I am having a bit of trouble distinguishing if I am successfully clearing a memory or simply just suppressing it.  I have been tapping, and re-tapping on the same memory for quite a few sessions (I am working on my own).  I have noticed that when I go through the "tell the story" techniqiue, that I feel intense about certain aspects and then I tap those down to a 0 or near to 0 (sometimes I have trouble actually knowing if I am down to a 0).  However, within the next few days the intensity of those aspects return (although the SUD levels are not as high the subsequent time), and I have to re-tap.  I have tapped on this memory at least 5 or 6 times, and I am noticing that when I go over the same aspects the SUD levels are not as high, so I am wondering if I actually clearing the memory? or am I just suppressing it in a way to "trick" myself so I will stop tapping on this memory?  Does anyone have any ideas?

If this information helps to give you an idea of what I am talking about, the memory has to do with me and ex-boyfriend.  It was an incident where he had asked me out on a date and when the date arrived I had to call him to ask about it.  It turns out he was too drunk to take me out, and my feelings towards him were anger, combined with sadness over not feeling special enough to him, not feeling good enough, and just confirming to me that I will never find a man who will treat me well.  Anyway, like I mentioned I am tapping and tapping on this and I don't know if I am actually clearing it.

 How can you make the distinction? (suppressing vs. clearing)

KathyM:

If this information helps to give you an idea of what I am talking about, the memory has to do with me and ex-boyfriend.  It was an incident where he had asked me out on a date and when the date arrived I had to call him to ask about it.  It turns out he was too drunk to take me out, and my feelings towards him were anger, combined with sadness over not feeling special enough to him, not feeling good enough, and just confirming to me that I will never find a man who will treat me well.  Anyway, like I mentioned I am tapping and tapping on this and I don't know if I am actually clearing it. How can you make the distinction? (suppressing vs. clearing)

Hi Kathy,

I think you're clearing the specific memory with your ex boyfriend.These three things jump out at me from your post which I why I think you're not clearing the entire issue by tapping on this memory alone.

1. Not feeling special/loved

2. Not feeling good enough

3. I will never find a man who will treat me well

When in your life did you feel this way at other times? Can you find the earliest time? List all the events that match up with these beliefs. When do you think you came to the conclusion that you will never find a man that treats you well? This is a core belief that you can collapse with EFT by finding the specifics that hold it up and support it.

All the best

Noreen.

Hi Noreen,

 Thank you for your thoughtful response.  A part of me really thought I was just suppressing this memory because I have been tapping on it constantly and I was getting frustrated with not successfully clearing it.  I thought I was simply trying to convince myself that I had cleared it so I would stop tapping.  Do you still have any thoughts about how to make that distinction?

 I like your idea of going back to other memories where I also had these same beliefs.  However, I cannot say that I remember the first time I felt this way, but I can certainly come up with other times in my life where I thought this.  I am wondering, though, that if I go back to previous memories and tap for them as well as the core belief, how will I know if I am clearing that memory? If I have been unsuccessul clearing this incident of my ex-boyfriend cancelling our date, how will I be successful tapping on another memory with the same core belief?  What if I run into the same problem where I am unable to clear it because of the core belief?

I look forward to any thoughts you have.

 Kathy

 Hi Kathy,

Why do you want to stop tapping on this event? Tap on the frustration too of not clearing it. I don't know how long you have been doing EFT but these are issues that people starting off often have. If we tap too generally we can give up too easily on EFT.

I don't think your issue is suppressing this particular memory. Otherwise you would have trouble recalling details.  When the aspects return, are they emotions? (anger at him, anger at yourself, disappointment, being let down, not feeling good enough etc) or features and details of the specific incident when your ex boyfriend did not contact you, you waited, you had to contact him, he didn't take you on the date, he was drunk i.e. all the aspects related to the date with him? If he had contacted you to 'cancel' the date and explained why you probably would not have felt the way you did. Have you often felt let down by the men in your life? Do you expect to be let down?

My feeling is that you're having trouble clearing the emotions related to this as you have felt the same ones before in similar circumstances where people (mostly men?) have let you down. The conclusion you came to was "I will never find a man who will treat me well" "I am not good enough" "I'm not special/lovable"- these are all core beliefs. You will automatically collapse these when you tap on what is holding them up.

How do you know when you're feeling intense? What are the signs? How do you know you have trouble knowing you're at 0? Can you use the same 'scale' so to speak to assess them both? Do you think you may be switching aspects and not entirely clearing all of them? This can be difficult to detect when we're working on our own or are new to EFT. Have a look at the tutorial on aspects, I think it will help you and also the one of being specific.

All the best

Noreen.

Hi Noreen,

I guess I want to stop tapping on this memory because I am not getting relief from it.  But I know this will never solve it, so I do not intend to stop.  It's just frustrating.

 When the aspects return, I would say that mostly I feel a negative emotion towards the particular feature. For example, when doing the "tell the story" technique I come to the point where it is the night of the date and he has not called me. Upon recalling this aspect (feature detail), I feel emotion, I feel as though I am not important to him.  My mind is connecting this feature detail (him not calling) to my belief that I am not important enough.  That is generally when I feel intense. 

When I feel intense about an aspect, I have an urge to cry.  That's when my SUD levels are much higher, say a 6 or above.  If I have reduced the aspect to a low number, say a 4, but have not completely reduced it a 0, I will feel my heart beating quickly.  I know that I must continue tapping.  I am at a 0 when my heart has slowed down and I feel calmer.  Sometimes I have trouble getting an aspect to a 0 no matter how much I tap.  I usually stay at around a 2 or 3.  These are usually aspects related to those core beliefs which you have mentioned (example: I stay at a 2 or 3 no matter how much I tap when I recall the feeling of not being important enough when my ex boyfriend did no call). 

Yes, I have been let down by men in the past, not just from men I have dated.  I know that this is something I will also need to address.

My real confusion is that if I am unable to clear my core belief from one memory, how will going back to a previous memory clear it?  Also, can you explain what you mean by "You will automatically collapse these (core beliefs) when you tap on what is holding them up".  Thanks Noreen.

Kathy

 Just a thought Kathy,

What about your father or father figure in your life? Was he an alcoholic, or depressed, or a workaholic? These are all different forms of emotional distancing. As was suggested earlier, you need to address the feeling of undeservedness, lack of self worth, etc. that are being  triggered by these kinds of events.

Mildred 

Hi Kathy,

I think it is the feelings that hold the intensity for you. The experience with your ex is the most recent example you have of feeling this way so you associate it with him. He has stirred these emotions up and that's good, it is your opportunity to clear them once and for all. One day you might even thank him!!

Draw three tables. In the centre of each write each one of these issues

Table 1. Not feeling good enough

Table 2. Not feeling special/lovable

Table 3. I will never find a man who will treat me well

Find all the events that match up with these beliefs. Every table leg is a specific event. So for example table no. 1 might have 30 events that match you not feeling good eneough. Tapping on these events, will knock out the table legs so the table (the core belief) will eventually collapse because it has nothing to support it anymore. You would not have this belief if you did not have 'evidence'. The evidence is the specific events.This is why tapping more specifically is much more effcient. You can see your progress too and you'll feel more encouraged.

Hope this helps

Noreen.

Hello,

 I have another question in regards to clearing memories.  I am tapping on several memories at the moment, trying to completely clear them.  My SUD levels are nearly at a 0 for all the memories, when I do the tell the story technique.  However, I have noticed that if I am having a bad day and my emotions are high, then when I go to tap on these memories, the SUD levels will increase greatly.  In other words, if I have a normal day, when I tap for a memory the SUD levels will be low, but if I have a bad day then when I tap for that SAME memory my SUD levels will be high.  It seems as though my mood dictates my SUD levels.  Does anyone else experience this?  And how will you know if you're properly clearing a memory in a case like this?  Any thoughts?

Kathy

Hi Kathy

My guess is that you are uncovering other aspects in the same area. Your unconscious is allowing you to approach these big multi-faceted and painful issues in a safe and manageable way. Just be patient with the process.  As Gary Craig says "persistence, persistence, persistence". 

It is like you have these huge trees in your issue forest.  You work on each of them until you think it has been appropriately pruned to the ground.  When you come back the next day, it looks like the same trees have grown back exactly the way they were. In fact, these are branches that you just were not able to see until the opportunity of the stressful day brings them to your attention.

If you take very careful notes of these aspects as you treat them, you will start to see that you are dealing with different emotions, slightly different aspects or different parts of your past traumas.  

It is common for novices to over-generalize the experiences they are tapping for and to not break things down into separate aspects.  This is okay and still effective.  what it means though is that you are less aware of the progress you are actually making at the time.

Mildred

 Hi Kathy,

As Mildred says we start to see the trees and branches we couldn't see before when we start clearing big stuff. It can also be our patterns repeating. Our beliefs become our patterns which are very obvious to us in times of stress! We fall into old ways of behaving and coping and this can give the impression we're not making headway. Just be aware of this and tap on how you're feeling. You'll find slowly but surely things will start to dissolve. Aspects are really important to understand in EFT. Compare a single twig to a branch with many many smaller branches, what you're clearing is those smaller branches when you're dealing with different aspects.

All the best

Noreen.

Hi Kathy,

In reading your messages on this thread you started, what I am now wondering if what you may be having say issue wise is some matter of forgiveness?  I say this in respect that I have seen some that are easy to forgive say this, that and another person, but not this one particular person, not of some act done to them.  They are able to forgive others of the same act done to them, but not forgive this one person,  And the reason this could be true is due more so in a love relation ship, that in and with love, and in how some one can betray us in such a way and level that we in our mind and heart just can not forgive them.  Each of us may have a one line of the ultimate act or betrayal that we will find it hard to forgive another person per us.

Consider this too as how this could also apply to you, you may heard of this strory of American Indian grand fatther telling his grand son that he have two wolves in him and each day they fight, and the grand son asked which one is winning, he replied, the one he feeds. I say this in respect that if you say do very much clear your self today, but come tomorrow are are feeding your mind with thoughts that may lead to it regrowing itself? So with some when they see that they of themself, more of their daily and inner thinking that they are feeding their issue by dewelling it the next day, they are then better able to see the connection and stop feeding the condiion, But too, I have seen a few that with seeing the connection sitll not be able to keep dewelling on the matter.

And back to forgiveness, I have seen a few cases that some as I said was not able to forgive, and it was not a matter or issue of per se love, but family matters, of one person wanting blood from another person,  In ways, they wanted this one person to confess and take blame of all the ills of their live and that of half the universe too. What others and I do and have done is this, tell the person they need to in their own mind and heart make peace with their person just for themself, so they are better able to move on anew in this world, thus absolving,sp, the otther person of all real and unreal wrongs that they have done to them.

So this is my 2 and one cents input on this matter to you, and I said this or put this to you as if this seem to fit with what may be going on with you then, it fits, but do not try to make it fit in hope that if just may give you some new way of resolving this matter of yours. So too, just consider what I am saying as food for thought ok?

Aloha,

PS:  This is just a thrown in after thougt that came to me ok, and it came to me from a movie I saw years ago, this man was on dessert in Africa, and this small rodent like animal that is note for it stubborn dispostion, it saw him and grab him by one of his pants legs and did not let go, So he walked and walked, dragging it along, it would not let go. Finally in sheer exhaustion it let go, he then picked it up and carried for miles and miles till he found water. He placed it down and drank and it drank too. After awhile they both was fully revied, he looked at the animal and it looked at him, then it went and grabbed him by the pants leg again.  To me this a funny story about just letting go and biting the hand that fed you.

Harry