Hi all,

 I have been reading your posts and took a few days off to try some of the suggestions.  Firstly, I went back to the event where I was bullied by 2 boys in school.  The last time I wrote about this event, I had reduced my SUD levels down to a 0.  Within a few days, I had felt the negative emotions all over again.  Initially I was very frustrated because with EFT all I hear about is how the negative emotions (or aspects) fail to come back if they were reduced to a 0.  In my situation this was not the case.  The negative aspects had returned and I was still able to feel emotion from it.

 So, this time I re-tapped on the same event and I must admit that my SUD levels were not as high as before.  The numbers were lower, maybe about a 7, whereas the first time I tapped they were more like a 9.  So I had seen some reduction which was good to see.  One thing I did afterwards was I revisted the little girl who had just gotten beaten up to talk to her about what had happened (matrix reimprinting).  She recognized who I was and I took Gill's advice to ask her how she was and to listen to anything she had to say.  The little girl was still upset.  One thing she told me, which surprised me, was that she did not want to keep re-living this experience.  That we had tapped on the event before and it was supposed to make her feel better but now she is going through the awful experience all over again.  All I could say (older me) was that I knew she did not want to go through this again, but that she was making big improvements as I was able to calm her down much more quickly this time by tapping on her.  When I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to say, she mentioned that she did not understand why she was a target to these bullies.  I said I did not know why either, but that I thought she was a good girl and I would always be there to protect her.  I ended up walking her back to class and she felt much calmer and safer than she did the first time I visited her.  I would also like to add that she had no problem with me tapping on her and was receptive to the idea.  I think she just wanted to feel better after having gone through that experience again.

 Gill - I am wondering if this was the correct way to re-visit the little girl?  Was it appropriate to re-visit her after she had just gone through the bullying once more, or should I have approached it differently?  If it was inapporopriate, how would you recommend re-visiting?  I noticed this time around that the little me was quite confused about having to go through this experience once again, as she thought we had settled it the first time I tapped on her.  What do you think?  Just to answer some of your questions, no, I do not have any of my own children, so perhaps I am not entirely in-tune with how to deal with them.  I did not rush the little girl in any way, trying to force her to "heal".  But I also did not know quite how to respond to her when she said she did not want to re-live this experience and that she did not know why she was a target.  All I could say was that I understood her pain.

 Suzanne - Thank you for explaining to me how some people must re-tap on an event over and over again until it subsides.  I have found that many of the events I tap for, the emotions return and I was confused about why this was happening.  Gary always says that those emotions usually cease to reappear, which was frustrating for me because mine were reappearing.  Although I do not have MS or ADHD, I do find that I will simply have to continue tapping.  In regards to the bullying event I had to re-tap on, I did notice that my SUD levels were lower which has given me some hope that I can finally tap it down to a 0 completely without it returning.  In addition, I took your advice to tap on a recent anxiety event but I found it a bit difficult to tap while keeping all my emotions in one bag.  It was easier for me to separate the emotions and then tap for those individually until it subsided. I will have to see though if my SUD levels return on this recent event.

Kit - It is nice to hear from other new EFTers to hear their perspectives.  I can also greatly relate to your feeling of constantly being evaluated by others.  I grew up with overly critical parents.  They were constantly judging me, and for most of my life I felt as though I could never please them.  Even today (I am 28 years old) I still feel as though they will never be pleased with any of my successes.  I know this is another "issue" I need to tap for.  As a result, I always feel as though others are judging me negatively, which I know is not necessarily true.  But I know my parents critical nature is part of the reason I have social anxiety.  I stay away from other people because I fear they too will judge me harshly.  Your idea to tap on dreams is also very good.  I will have to try that.  I am sure our minds are working at night to reveal many things to us, so yes I must try this.  Are you working on your own or with a practitioner?

Herbicat - I also try to tap on issues when I am very upset.  I think my system has a way of surpressing issues, so when I try to tap for something when I feel nothing, I do not make good head-way.  Often times I try to do something that will trigger me to get upset so I can tap.  I think this is the best way for me.  I am glad you are making progress and hope that I will reach that level myself.  Thank you again for all your encouraging words.

Josie

Firstly, once again, amazing work!!  

I have worked with children who are being bullied real time, and also have done this myself for my severe bullying memories  (I do understand!!) and clients for past memories.

With the real in the now experience and past memories I use a system where I get the client to tap imagining talking to the person they have a problem with.  To start with imagine exactly where you would like this conversation to take place, remember you are in control.

First tap for any fears about having this imaginary conversation.

Then tap about what you would like to say to the person starting with 'I" statements

"I feel hurt, I feel scared etc 

When the emotion lessens then go on to "You" statements

"you make me feel etc

Do this BEFORE you do imagine talking to the people involved.  Invite them in, see how they look.  Tap for reaction.

When ready swap places, imagine standing in the shoes of the bully.  Tap for what they might be feeling about you or the situation.  

Then imagine the conversation and how it might go after that.  Go back and revisit the original memory and see what has changed.

This is an unbelievably powerful experience.  Often great insights are gained into the motives and feelings of the 'bully'. 

By the end of this the young clients can think of the person with no intensity, they are just any other person.  And in real life the bullies just ignore them.  There has to be some energy between people for conflict, hurt parts meeting hurt parts! 

When there is a conflict the energy wall if you like is held up by both parties.  If one person removes the support for the wall, the wall has to collapse.

I have used this technique myself for many different energetic relationships and with many clients.  Some have found people in their lives that have been problematic and difficult overnight become delightful.

Hope this helps her. 

Gill

Hi Gill,

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my many questions.  I like your idea of having a conversation with the bully, but I have a question about how to approach this.  Is it best to have this conversation after the little me has just been bullied?  Meaning I confront him as we are walking back to class after he has just bullied me?  Or is it best to confront him on a completely different occassion? 

Also, it seems as though I will need to re-tap on many of the negative events in my life to bring the SUD numbers down.  In cases where you need to re-tap, when is the best time to revisit the little you?  In my case, I re-tapped on the little me for the second time after she had just been bullied.  She was confused because she thought I had fixed the problem the first time.  I am wondering if this was an inappropriate time?  Should I approach her on a completely different occasion, say when she is playing with her dog (i.e some completely unrelated event)?  Sorry for the overload of questions, I am just trying to understand the best way to do this. 

Brilliant questions Josie.  Usually I invite clients to create a safe space in their mind so we can go their with the child.  We can imagine anything we want when we give ourselves permission. But what we are trying ultimately to communicate is that this little girl is stuck in a moment in time, and its over and she doesn't need to stay there, we can rescue her from that place.  Or indeed we can tap for the moment, reassure her this feels like it is happening now but it is over, its not happening now and what is left is a feeling and feelings can change, you can perhaps actually tap for what you believe the bully is feeling yourself, as your adult self, and that often changes the picture when you go back to it.

As an example a client has a deep sense of just not belonging and has a strong reaction to a present day family situation.  She remembers her dad in a situation where he looks like he just doesn't see her or notice her and I ask her to expand the vision and see herself there.  I get her to allow the little girl to express herself, I feel like you don't care, I am not important etc etc.  then I ask the adult to take on the dads energy.  She starts to realise dad feels very lonely and misunderstood, sadness comes up.  We tap for the grief and sadness that there was so much misunderstanding and confusion.  Acknowledge that the young child did indeed feel lonely but also that she didn't understand her dads pain, how could she, she was a little girl!  Going back to the original memory it has changed, the energy has changed, she feels connected in a way she didn't feel before, she no longer feels she doesn't belong. Check on the feeling of not belonging, it has changed.  Get herself to imagine the present situation and it has no charge.

This is an example of how we can combine this inner child work with our now time problems and limiting beliefs. 

As children we simply did not see the bigger picture, our view is limited to our own experience and own perception.  Thats not something we have done wrong but empathy is learned behaviour.  I think we can teach our younger selves this:)

Let me know if this makes sense at all.   This is maybe harder to explain for self work than working with a client but you do seem to have a really good grasp of working in this way.

Gill

When its working with a relationship conflict of any kind I work with the clients feelings about the person until they are ready to imagine them coming into the scene. You can project the bully on to a screen and have her tap on how he looks and her response until that feels calmer

Last night I re-tapped for the bullying event, in the hopes of having a conversation with my bully.  Upon tapping this time around, I noticed that my SUD levels were going down when I tapped for the same aspects as before, which was good.  One new aspect that came up was the feeling that I thought I was going to die that day when I was bullied.  This of course upset me and I tapped the levels down. 

 I talked to the little me after the bullying incident again.  She recognized me and I asked her how she was doing this time.  She said she seemed OK.  Not great obviously, but not as upset as she once was.  I began tapping on her at which point I thanked for all the years she's protected me from "the monster", which would be men/boys.  I told her how she made my life so much easier over the years by holding onto those negative emotions for me.  But it was time for her to let those emotions go.  It was not fair to her.  She was a little girl and she should be happy like all her peers, not scared.  The bullying was long over.  At this point she asked me a surprising question.  She asked why I no longer wanted her around?  I (older me) told her that I would always want/need her, but the WAY in which I needed her would be different.  I needed her love and support as I am now (adult me), in helping me to reach my current goals, one of which would be to find a loving relationship with a man.  In order to reassure her that it was safe to let these negative emotions go, I brought her into a scene that happened to me a few days ago.  My teacher (who is a man) had shown me much praise over a recent test I had written.  In reality, it was a very positive event for me, it made me feel very good about myself.  My goal was to show her (little me) that not all men were bad.  She seemed pleased by this, and even hugged me!  I took her back into her time and walked her back to class.  She seemed fine by me leaving her there and I said I would return again to see her. 

 Although I did not do the talk with the bullies I still want to.  I just felt that I needed to gain more of her trust before she confronted the bullies. I am hoping to do this in the next tapping session.

After I did this tapping, I felt better.  My energy level had gone up a bit.  However, upon waking up this morning I felt a bit of dizziness.  I remember reading some threads on dizziness/nausea and re-read them.  According to what I read, dizziness/nausea is a sign that your body is literally trying to get you to stop so you do not go any further into the situation.  However, I must be clear that I did not feel any dizziness upon tapping, it was only the next morning when I woke up.  What could be happening here?  Is my body still rejecting going any further?  Please help, I thought my tapping session yesturday was actually helping me!

Josie

I do not often do this but at the bottom of my post there is a link to an ebook I have written on anxiety and dissociation.  This goes far beyond the description in Matrix reimprinting and has alot of information about the complexities of working with anxiety and trauma states and what we need to do before we work on specific memories.

True dissociation is when we feel we may die or the trauma is extreme and we split and develop an alternative ego state to survive.  We all have ego states or parts, but for most people they are known to us and each other subconciously.  In true dissociative states they feel indepent to us, often do not trust us at all, as you have experienced  although in truth they are still a part of us and when using reintegration language in any inner child therapy they think we are asking them to go, rejecting them, don't want them, in fact often they feel we are asking them to die!  We have to explain that we really appreciate what they are doing and when they trust us and know we will not abandon them and are not angry with them, it will go well.  You are doing this delicate work so naturally and perfectly.  But importantly we really have to feel that appreciation.  Child parts detect insincerity in us and our therapists!!

It is VERY important that you did what you did and let her know that you are not asking her to leave or go, but that she can work with you so you can both enjoy life together.

It is however possible that there is more than one ego state so any time you feel worse after tapping that could be because another part of you is struggling with whats going on. 

Gill

After taking some time away from this memory I decided to tap for it again this week.  Initially my younger self felt too scared to talk to the bully.  So I tapped on the memory some more to try to bring down any emotion I had towards it.  I then felt ready to "talk" to the bully.

 The first time I did this, it was me (older me), talking to him (older him).  I have actually seen a picture of what he looks like currently so I could see his face clearly.  I began out by saying say "I" statments, inlcuding I don't understand why you did this to me, I still think about this, I'm still upset over this.  Then onto the "you" statments:  You've made me fear men, you don't feel badly over this, etc.  So then I brought him in.  I began to get upset talking to himm, basically repeating the same statments I made above.  I even told him "I'm sure you don't even remember who I am, but what you did to me has affected me even today." I then switched spots with him.  He was surprised by my statments.  He said he was sorry (although I am wondering how truly sorry he really was), said he never realized something he's done as a kid could still affect someone else.  I think he might have felt badly, but wasn't overly remoseful.

After this I decided to see if my younger self wanted to confront the younger bully.  She seemed like she did.  She began out "I feel scared, I'm nervous."  Then we brought him in.  The older me was standing by for support.  She then began to say "I don't understand why you keep picking on me, what did I do to you, why do you hate me so much."  Then the younger me switched spots with the bully, but he was not too responsive. He kind of held his head down, then blurted I'm sorry (I think he may have been insincere).  Then he ran off.  The older me caught up to him where he was crying so I tapped on him.  It seemed to calm him down but still he had his head hanging low.  Anyway, he told the younger me he was sorry, and then he left.  I (older me) tried to tell the younger me that he too was feeling pain.  That something was not right with him and that is why he was probably taking it out on her.  We then went to a place where she felt safe (my old backyard where she played with my dog).  Anyway, she seemed like she was happier playing with the dog.  I left the scene at that.

 Today I feel about the same, no sudden changes.  Am I supposed to feel some sort of relief if I have cleared a memory?  I don't feel any different.  Maybe I need to go to other bullying memories and also tap for those.  I don't know how else I can do to work with this memory.  I've tapped and tapped and talked to my younger self so many times.  But no real changes.  I guess the changes will come gradually if I go to other memories as well.