Dear all, I hope I'm not trying you patients with my constant worry and procrastination.

 Yesterday, I got some undercurrent anxiety because I'm worried about needing to get back to work full time in another state alone in 20 days (I'm currently working part-time at home) and not healed by that time. Another thought came where I'm worried that I won't be able to get well totally.

So, I tried to do a bit of EFT following something my mom copied from a EFT newsletter.

 It asked you to say the following statements while first putting your flat hand on the Sore Spot and say the statement 3 times, with deep breath in and out each time. and then tap all the points in order and speak the statement every point.

'I want to feel clear, calm and centered'.

'I am ready to release the burdens from the past'

'I want to be the best I can be'

'I want to overcome my limitations'

'I'm ready to accept good things from the Universe.'

'I am ready to love and be loved.'

'This is my life, and I want to live it!'

I did feel better after doing this and the undercurrent seems to have subsided. But, then when I watch a series, and I start to see a scene and person I like and of course you will have some 'like' or 'joy' feeling. But, when that feeling comes, another indescribable feeling came along. It's like a 'on standby' feeling like trying to suppress the feeling in case it gets to far. I don't know. Maybe I tried to keep my fear/worry emotion at bay too long under mind become tune in like that. So, I tried to tap the following.

'Eventhough I'm anxious and worried about my emotions, I totally and completely love and accept myself'

'Eventhough I'm anxious and worried about the change of emotions, I choose to feel safe about it' (and some other variation)

Then, I started to feel calm. but, then found that while watching the series, I'm calm the whole time. This got me worried again. The effect is a bit like last time I take antidepressant (even when I want to cry, I still feel calm, after I take anti-depressant). This worried me. I was worried that I won't be able to feel normal emotion again after EFT. My mom said not worry so quickly. This is healing process. After I calm down, then later my feelings will be normal again. So, I tried to tap

'Eventhough I'm worried about feeling too calm now, I choose to believe that I can feel appropriate feelings, to feel happy when I see happy things and to feel sad when I see sad things' (not the exact phrase, I forgot the exact phrase).

I don't know, I still feel calm and a bit floating after that. My mom assured me not to worry, that at least, I'm calm now.

Then, when I go to sleep, I found my mind blank. For years, everything before I sleep, lots of images will appear in my mind. It's been so long that I don't remember when it's started. So, I start to get worried if this is normal. I told my mom about my worries and she said it's normal. She didn't see lots of images before she sleeps. I don't know is this normal? But, later, when I go back to sleep, some images did come back. I don't know. When I was still napping this morning and suddenly saw myself in my room in my hostel alone and sleeping but not feeling anything (no pre-sleep images and no dreams, just motionles sleep there), and I don't like the image and I started feeling scared again.

Now, in the morning, I don't feel very well. I don't know, a bit drowsy. Maybe not enough sleep at not and catch cold a bit. Also, got a bit of anxiety.

 My mind is a bit 'messy' now. It looks easy when I read all the facts and theories, but, when I actually practice it and actually feel the changes in my emotions and feelings,  it began to worry me.My therapist haven't replied by email that I send2 days ago. I so wish to have some expert nearly who can guide me.

Btw, I've signed up for an EFT workshop that will be held in May 30.The lady there (I inquire by phone) said the workshop help her a lot and I will be able to help myself after I take the workshop. She said she used to hyperventilate when anxious and now she is cured. Wish me luck. :)

 I think I keep to the basic method first. The choice method seems a bit too powerful. I'm afraid of saying the wrong choice statement and it's stuck in my mind.

 Hopeful...has...Faith...in...the...Future!

peace&love...vern

 Hi Hopeful,

You are very lucky to have such a supportive mother, who is eager to learn about EFT alongside you. :-)

Not to worry, you are healing little by little, as your mother says. Even if it doesn't feel that way, you are making progress everyday. 

I would suggest keep spending time with the parts that seem resistant towards healing. I've picked up on two from your post (or maybe it is the same part in both cases): the 'on-standby' feeling, and the anxiety feeling that crept up on you while you watched the series. The next time these feelings arise (or the next time you want to address them) maybe you can try addressing them as actual entities: eg: "Even though there's this part of me that feels ________, I completely love and accept it anyway." Try talking to the part as if it is a friend or a child. 

I really hope you enjoy the EFT workshop - it will be such a great opportunity to learn, and heal along the way. 

 What about my violent urge? Is it due to my anxiety? Still of stress and pressure not released?

Hopeful

I have gathered quite a bit of information from the beginning of this thread including the private emails you have sent me and I am really concerned that you are of the belief that EFT is a quick fix and that you are in a pressure to be healed in less than 3 weeks, when I discern that your problem is rather complex and their are many issues here involved.

I understand your mother has told you EFT is easy and you don't need help with it, but as a therapist who has worked with many people with extreme anxiety I understand that these issues, especially when you suffer from hallucinations and violent urges, are often outwith the experience of many therapists, never mind self help. 

I don't believe that people on this board are qualified to answer this question for you as we know so little about your current home life, and what the real background is.  I do believe that with experienced guidance you can get help however and I would encourage you to consider working with an experienced therapist who will help guide you through this process.

Do not expect all EFT practitioners to be willing to help as many are unable to and do not understand the problems.

Violent urges come from repressed feelings of anger, and are often fuelled by the material we choose to spend our time reading or viewing.  Most people that have committed violent crimes have dissociated and become depersonalised and cannot seperate fantasty from reality.  This is not an issue to be taken lightly and does require guidance.

I also understand that you find it easy to find fault with the therapists and perhaps feel suspicious of them and their motives.  This is also common and I would encourage you to try and rise above that.  

Most people who have complex problems take some time to unravel all of this, but the main focus for you is, as we have tried to guide you to see, to understand the function of your anxiety.  Its protective nature.  What are the parts of you that want to hurt and what is their purpose?

Gill

Dear Gill, I've contacted my therapist telling him that I want to do EFT myself and ask him what point I should do on based on his evaluation of me. He asked me to do on my fear and hallucination and clear my psychological reversal first. He also said he will be holding a Hypnotherapy class in June and ask me to go to learn self-hypnosis. He didn't suggest a follow up consultation and I'm undecided on whether I should ask for one since my condition got worse and dive to the bottow not long after the first therapy session (I think it's because of what I reveal during hypnotherapist about someone not alive creating my hallucination). I do not want to go back to that stage again because I don't want my love ones to worry. 

My violent urge is also up and down. The last one trigger by fear I think. 

 The thing is I have a relatively good life compared to many people. I have loving family members and a a job with stable income. I do worried a lot and sometime I feel my life is stagnant and I feel trapped. I was worried that I will still be just like that, working in the same job and away from love ones, stuck in this situation. I'm also unhappy about being away from my family for most of the time. This made me feeling more and more unhappy and lonely. I think I was quite stubborn and in my heart I don't want to let go of my initial plan (when I first came out to work) of going back to work in hometown after a while working outside and gaining experience. I also have less and less confidence in myself, so, I was also in a way holding on to my job (who has been my comfort zone) and at the same time afraid of losing it. I also notice I became more and more easily irritated. It's not that I never tried to think positively. I always told myself that my situation is better than a lot of people that many people also stay away from home and they are ok.  I was even planning to learn a new skill in the beginning of the year so I can be financially free one day. But, somehow, I, I have emotional breakdown.

Another thing. I also feel that time is runny out as my age is rising, I feel that I don't have time to learn a new skill for years and be financially free. I also fear ending up alone but don't want to settle down in the place I'm currently working. Many conflicting emotions. 

I really don't know why I develope this violent urge. It's not like I've had a very bad childhood or being abuse or something. The thing I was facing before my beakdown is really not that big and issue. Many people faced worse issue than me. Despite the tragedy with my brother, I have a happy childhood and my years in uni is also pretty good. Secondly, my violent urge only develope after my emotional breakdown, when my hallucination started intruding my daily live. Also, my hallucination has reduced and not as intrusive anymore.

Also, my extreme anxiety only appear not long before my emotional breakdown and became extreme after the breakdown. Before that, a doctor did say I worry too much and my stress level is high. But, it's not like now where I'm paranoid of everything. These all happens after my breakdown and after going through the bottom period.

 Secondly, from my posts and email, I may sound like in constant fear and anxiety, but, it's not. I've periods where I'm relatively ok. It's just that I post mostly when I'm feeling bad and need help and advice. 

It's not that I don't want to find a professional therapist. In my place, therapists in not as easily available as in the west. Therapists are rare in my area. Most therapists are in the capital city. I can't go to traditional psychitrist (even those are not many) that prescribe anti-depressant because my body can't take it and I also don't want take those medicine for 9 months. How can I go see them asking them for advice and psychological evaluation if I can't take the medicine they prescribe? Even the workshop I take up, it's in capital city. I have to book a hotel just for that 1 day workshop (it's all money there). I did ask for their therapist consultation service, but, the person there ask me to be patient and wait until the workshop where I can ask her questions directly. So, I'm going to do so.

I have a very understanding boss who has already extended my part-time job for 1 month. How can I keep on extending and asking for unpaid leave, leaving my colleagues to handle my job (they are supportive, but, I can burden them too long)? With this ecomony situation, I really can't leave my job.

 Hopeful

I hope you find his advice helpful.

Gill

 hi, what...are...you...doing...when...your...not...working...

many...years...ago...vern...spent...some...time...researching...

why...some...old...people...lose...it...when...they...retire...and

...the...conclusion...was...simple...basically...the...ones...that...

had...hobbies...and...were...doing...things...other...than...work

...and...thinking...are...the...happy...ones...the...others...just...

vegetated...so...stop...it...and...get...a...hobby...other...than

thinking...24/7

peace&love...vern

 Hopeful

I can see why you are finding this difficult. 

 Went to the workshop and just started work for the second day. Feel undercurrent of anxiety all day long. I tried to do some tapping and did calm down a lot which is good. But, I'll start to be anxious again whenever I try another task like reading a forum I use to love, chatting with collegues in another office who asked about my well being (kinda dread meeting them face to face for the first time since I'm back. Dunno why since they are all very nice to me). Also dreaded reading a critical article about 'The Secret' which I'm afraid will shatter my flimsy positive mind. lol.

 The old hallucination (not sure if it's hallucination or just plain stubborn thoughts in the form of images and feeling that was refusing to go away) is fading, but a new one came. It started the night before I attended the workshop. Gill said it looks like symptoms of OCD. It's lessen but keep popping up behind my mind and I'm focus on reading something else or see people. I tried somephrases, but, it's still there. Don't really know what else to say to clear the anxiety. But, it's good that the undercurrent of stress and anxiety is lessen a lot but not yet cleared (just found out that by just typing the word 'stress' the undercurrent came back a bit). Still no new thoughts pop up to tell me why the hallucination is there and what other pphrase I need to do about the OCD. I think I still need therapist guidance.

But, it might have some physical cause to since I'm doing meridian tuina to rebalance my hormones, unblocking my meridian and increase my energy/qi (which is unsually low). Last time the diagnosis is that the body is currently detoxifying my blood. Dunno whether this has something to do with the suddenly change of image/thoughts.

 Just to add. During the workshop, the trainer asked us to think of a 'small' trauma and try to clear it. I can't think of any small trauma I feel strongly about because the thought of my brother was floating under the surface of my concious mind. So, I tried a scene during my brother's death since the lady in front of me talk about her child's death and she seem able to handle it and the trainer also told her to use back the scene for this section of workout. So, I decided to use it. When the trainer asked about the scene I only managed to describe 2 sentences and started crying and my whole upper body cramped up. I couldn't even move my fingers. The trainer tapped on me until I calmed down and then she asked me to leave it, and not go there first and then she asked another participant to go in front so that we can tapped together with her. Because of the earlier reaction, I don't have time to think of another smaller trauma. I saw the other participants have their emotional reactions to their own trauma lessen or disappeared just by listening and following the tapping for the person in front. Since, I'm able to type about my brother now, I think it did helps me a bit. But, I don't dare to go there until my appointment with the trainer (who is also a therapist).

 Just want to let you guys know the situation. Hope you guys don't feel bothered by me talking so much about my bad experiences. I'm not asking for sympathy (at least not this time. I might be earlier, when I was really depressed and my anxiety in full swing). Just wanting you guys to know the situation. I know I still have a lot of issues to work through especially my self confidence and trust in the process. It's not that I don't trust EFT. I just don't trust whether I'm doing it right and whether I can handle the change. I'm even still undecided whether I want to be numb to all the past experiences I've got or not. I've been living with it ok for so long. My problem only started when I join the workforce and staying alone for too long (and started to be aimless and losing goal and don't know what to do). 

 Btw, I just read this.

 http://eftcommunity.emofree.com/forums/t/5228.aspx

This is another reason I and apprehensive about using EFT. It's nice to feel calm, but, to feel no emotion. Kinda scary. I a bit like that now. Calm, but, empty. Hope that I'm still enthusiatics and able to to laugh and stuff when I see my dad later after work. Hope my emotion will come back like that guy in a few days or better in a few hours time.

Hopeful

I have had alot of private information from you and I am not diagnosing anything but obsessive thoughts in the specific way you describe are often found in OCD which is a symptom of anxiety and everything now is bringing you to this.  

I agree with you and have always advised you this, you need therapist guidance and I am glad you have found a therapist who  has a sense, as you do now, of the issues involved.

Dealing with the trauma of losing your brother will be very helpful to you overall and it is clearly hard for you to deal with alone.

I wish you all the best with your therapy.

Gill

Hopeful

Can I explain what the idea of Emotional Freedom is?  It is not about being numb to our experiences.  It is about bringing imbalanced feelings into balance.

For instance when my sister died I spent alot of time feeling angry, guilty, blaming everyone who let her down and didn't help her - mostly myself, lots of feelings, from time to time one or two things might surface.  I can now think about her and talk about her and remember her with love for the wonderful person she was.  I have recently been told that someone met a close friend who did not know she had died and I look forward to meeting her to talk to someone who knew my sister, but at first I felt overwhelmed until I tapped on that.

Tapping doesn't take away the fact that she died and I wish she was still here with me, but it allows me to enjoy my life without panic attacks, flashbacks, feelings of guilt and anger which were overwhelming at times.  But for a year I believed I should not tap on it, I thought I should suffer as she had because I couldn't help her.  That was the shock talking.  After a year of suffered, my family suffering and feeling like I couldn't function I then started tapping. There has been alot to tap on.

My life is free and happy and it has all happened naturally, I don't feel numb or blank, or anxious, I feel alive and enjoying life.  I hope this inspires you somehow.  

It is totally ok to feel afraid, but you can tap on all of the fears of change, not knowing who you will be, having this too long and perhaps most importantly that you don't deserve to feel peace on this issue.

Emotional freedom is freedom to feel our emotions, so there are many times I feel sad when I think of my sister but I let it come and it passes.  I will never be blank about it, I think of her with love and warmth and look forward to being with her one day as I believe I will.

Gill