I originally posted in depth about a particular problem I had with a client.  I now feel that I included too much information aobut this clients specific situation, on my early days on the forum when I didn't realised how public it was, so have deleted that detailed post but as a background since the thread has been resurrected it was about a client who was very resistant to addressing her issues and exerted alot of control during the sessions. 

I was concerned that I could have done something differently at the time and upset by something particular that happened.  I learnt alot about myself and how to work with very frightened clients at the time and also had my first taste of how supportive this forum could be and am delighted that the people who first responded to me I now consider to be friends.

Gill

Hi Gill,

It's clear you care deeply about her and your clients and were quite aware of your process every step of the way.    It sounds like you were willing to work with a very limited situation when others might have said no.  (I wasn't able to absorb everything you wrote so forgive me if I'm off-track ...)

It makes perfect sense you feel disappointed and vulnerable (and mad?)   I remember a recent "bad session" and I felt so disappointed and embarrassed.  I tried to talk myself out of it and then realized, no, it's true I should feel disappointed.  It didn't go well.  And that's okay.  It was a bas session because I was trying to "push" EFT onto someone who didn't want it.

The one way I feel better after a "bad situation" is to make sure I learn what I needed to learn -- to figure out what part of myself I lost track of, what part of my intuition went astray, and to acknowledge the part of myself that feels vulnerable and let down and scared. Then I can transition to the practical part of me and make a lessons learned list.   

I imagine you'll get all sorts of great insights .....

And I do know for sure, you are not alone in having had a difficult experience. 

Hugs,

Deborah 

Hi Gillian,

Thank you for taking the energy to share this heartbreaking experience.  I'd just been pondering posting a new topic called :  "What's the down side to getting better?" when I read your post.  I recall Gary exploring gently with a volunteer through door-after-door, only to have each door slammed shut with various resistances until finally (in his very loving, calm, non-judgemental way) he would ask, "So if there were a down side to getting better, what would it be?" 

I've run into this situation a couple of times where the participant was clearly on the precipice of awakening to the core of discontent when suddenly resistance would slam the door shut tight.  This would show itself in a miriad of ways:  anger (how dare you), denial (oh that's not it at all), giving up (ok there's nothing wrong with me and I'm out of here no more appointments thank you very much).  But it all adds up to what the participant's answer would be to Gary's question:  "If there were a down side to getting better, what would it be?" 

When I had a client who was honest in her quiet moment of revelation, she whispered to me, "Attention.  I wouldn't be getting any attention."  This person had been to numerous physicians, psychologists, naturopaths, etc., throughout the world (yes, the world), when she was referred to me.  Due to her travels, we only had three weeks to work.  She was more than willing to book three sessions a week, believing and convincing me that she truly wanted to get to the root of her problems.  The details are not necessary.  Four sessions later she revealed to me a deep secret she had never told anyone else.  We gently, carefully explored "sneaking up" safe, tapping.  Rather abrubtly she refused tapping, crossing her arms and turning away and looking out the window.  She actually closed the session stating that now she knew what she needed to do.  And she left.

No doubt EFT helped her measurably with her intense headaches that had never been touched in any other way, but we got them down to a zero.  No doubt EFT helped reduce the intensity of many other physical pains and discomforts.  No doubt EFT heled her see to the light of her core issures.  No doubt she benefited from the sessions.  But was I privaleged to witness or hear about her continued progress?  No. 

Gil, there is no way of knowing just how much your services have benefited your client.  All we can do is the best we can do.  And trust.  As much as I want to know how much EFT helped someone I've worked with, I'd say 98% of the time I hear nothing.  But then I realize that my family doctor doesn't hear from me, either, in between lengthy visits.   And believe me my visits are few and far between since EFT.  I wonder if he ever wonders how I am?

Courage,

Bobbie 

 Dear Gill,

I am sorry to hear about your mother's passing. It is hard to be there for others and do what we love when we need time to heal. God bless you for being there for your clients and doing whatever you can to help them anyway. Please take the advise you would give your clients now, and allow yourself to heal, grief, remember and to move on in a way that works for you.

Your post is very relevant, and I am sure that many practitioners can relate to the situation. We want to help, and we know that EFT is going to work for them. We are able to "map out" how the tapping might be successful, we feel that we have the right set ups, the right questions, the right mindset, we see the wonderful transformation that should be coming very soon for the client. All that is missing is...the willingness of the client.

When reading your post, I could feel that your client's way was very abusive for you. I think she has made it very clear that she isn't able and willing to respect and honor your boundries at this point in her life, neither as a therapist, nor as a person. This is a clear statement, her decision, and it is OK to let her go, even though she is not anywhere close to where she could be if she was more ready to do the work. Yes, it is very likely that this mindset is the result of all the abuse she had to endure. But she needs to know when she is ready, and if she is not, it is not your fault. She deserves to be taken seriously, and if she feels that she doesn't want to work on core issues, that she needs so much controll in the sessions that she can "tie your arms behind your back", she creates a professionally and personally impossible situation for you. 

I have learned that it is good and helpful to be able to honor my own boundaries and say "no" to a client. If what we have to offer doesn't work for the client at this time, that's OK. There are many practitioners out there, and there might be a therapy or treatment that she prefers more. This is not personal and has nothing to do with your professional abilities. That is the client's decision, and if he/she insists that nothing of what we need to do in order to get results with her, is acceptable, then I would feel comfortable to close the session and allow the client to find a practitioner that works better for her. 

It's OK to tap on that and let it go. Trust that she will heal when she is ready, and that your work with her is done, because she decided to do so. You didn't let her down, she made that decision.

I hope this helps you some.

Please let us know if you would like some setups to get you started getting over this

Love

Ingrid 

 

Hi Gil:

Wow!  My initial reaction is...wow!  You really gave this woman a lot...of patience, expertise and I'm sure, sheer love. And it sounds like she gave you back a whole lot of abuse.  First, I just want to congratulate you on all of your efforts, (since you probably won't be getting them from her...) :-) and then a couple of thoughts that came to me as I read this.  One of my favorite quotes is "When love enters, everything unlike it rises to the surface."  This poor woman suffered a lot of abuse, so when your love entered her life, that's what came to the surface and you were the closest one to her, probably, so you got to be the target.  It isn't fun and sometimes we just have to draw the line and say "No, I don't want to take this any more."

It sounds to me like she did you a big favor by moving on.  Having lost your mother so recently, you really are in a vulnerable place, and you probably have much better things to do with your energy than to keep fighting this woman's resistance.  Fighting a client's resistance can be  really a tough job.  Merely pointing it out to the client doesn't always work---in fact that's when it brings up the most fire!  Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a dragon and it takes all the wiles, inspiration and ...sheer stamina that I can muster.  It can feel like a real fight of good against evil for the soul of the client. 

So maybe you lost one battle, but I'm sure that all of the good energy that you poured into this woman has not gone wasted.  The idea that you have somehow failed her seems really unrealistic, if you want my opinion.  Human beings are complex.  We can offer our help, with our best intentions and sometimes we see great results and sometimes we don't.  I like another quote.  This is from the American primitive painter, Grandma Moses, who started painting in her 80's.  "I do the best I can, and then I just say 'Ishkabibble!"  :-)  (That's an old-timey word for "the heck with it."   :-)

I don't know if you have a metaphysical bent, but I do and something that has helped me when I feel I've messed up somewhere or that something didn't turn out the way I wanted, was to "baptize it success."  It works retroactively!   If this thought appeals to you, you might even tap on it.  You could say "Even though I feel that I may have failed this woman...I choose to baptize the whole situation a success."  Then tap on "success."  For me, this works to raise my energy so that I get a higher perspective on the situation and it also helps me to glean the good from the situation and let go of any negative feelings.  Of course it always helps to forgive yourself, forgive her, forgive anyone involved, including the people who initiated the abuse.  Just washing everyone in forgiveness is very comforting.

Another suggestion:  go out and buy yourself a new dress,  :-)

Hugs!

Clover

ps.  I appreciate you sharing this situation.  I would like to see others bring challenging cases to the forum.  It's a great way for all of us to learn. I'd particularly like to see some further discussions on dealing with client resistance.

 

Clover

 

.

 

 

 

Thank you every one who took the time to reply. Your comments were all so helpful and relevant, and also comforting.

I did tap on all of this last night, including my guilt at realising I was tired of fighting constantly, week in week out. We were getting results but every session was like being a wrestling match because no matter what we worked on it all started to filter back to the inevitable and the walls did go up, ESPECIALLY when I gently used Garys question or anything like it of 'What positive use could this problem have for you?' Wow, watch the fireworks start. It was beginning to feel abusive and very much like the relationship I had with one of my sisters. Despite this she did get results for many of her issues.

On the very positive side I also worked through alot of my own stuff about the death of my sister via the sessions and often I would feel I had got as much out of it as she had. I did have a blinding flash of realisation though last night. This happens with clients, when I have reached a place I can't go either. I realised I had worked through grief, guilt and regret with her on her female issues and to some extent on her father issues but not fully on that and thats where we were to go no further but I have been avoiding my feelings about my father. I realise I mirror hers. He was mentally ill and I feel a great resistance to ever talking about what he did because it feels disloyal and logically I understand his behaviour and I did and still do love him very much. She has similar feelings of loyalty, love and hate all mixed up. That realisation has been stunning and so I am taking this as a sign that it is time for me to really do some work on this issue for myself. Somehow it now feels safer to do that now that my mother has gone.

I have done alot of work on my father issues but in truth there is a darker place I have been avoiding and I find myself having somewhat been dragged kicking and screaming to this point. I do feel I have not got the energy to fight, but perhaps thats because I am fighting myself somewhat at the moment. So in terms of taking something positive out of this, I have. I know I have some work to do.

And the good news, I just got an email from her telling me we ended well and she will pay me. Perhaps when I work through whatever is left for me when she is ready we can do some more work. Or she will be ready to work with someone else. I am hoping this will not come out in a big block of text, I did space the last message and somehow it came out in a big block of text which made me look both hysterical and illiterate!

Love to you all and for much thanks for your kindness in taking the time to reply.

Gill

ps It did come out in a big block when I viewed the preview and I am now trying quick reply to see if that will be better. I was able to reinsert spaces in my posting but if it comes out in a block again, I really tried!!!

Hi Gill,

Sympathies to you and healing thoughts.

I have a few comments.

One of them is a criticism but not of you.  However, this is something I feel very strongly about, and it has to do with certain standards.  Again, not a criticism of you and please  understand that if you have never been told, then you have no way of knowing.  I am just writing it here so that others can learn from it.  I feel that  there is sufficient information about this client on a very public message board so that someone who knew the client may identify her and find out what she may rather keep a secret.

Next comment is about background.  Certain regions of the world are indoctrinated with the hell-and-brim fire God-as-the-punisher misrepresentation of what a loving God is all about.  Historically, this is political and with the purpose of controlling the masses for the financial gain of the few.  In more recent times, a parallel culture has grown around the doctor in the position of authority.  The people are brought up to expect to be helpless about their health and have no control, understanding or say in it, except for which doctor to worship.  Advertising and practise laws are different there.  A doctor can promise a 100% cure in many countries, totally legally, and get away with it. People are encouraged to medicate their feelings away rather than better themselves in life.  Your client comes from such a region.

The only thing you can do IMHO is to tap on your feelings about this.

One thing clients often come to me for is the knowledge that I will deal with the rape issue in all its ugly detail should they wish to do so, because their EFT practitioner would not go there.  I am not sure whether your client did not want to go there or whether it is your training not to.  There is an awful lot of overwhelm about this, and you have to keep resisting the clients insisting that you take them further until the right moment comes.  It takes a lot of practice, and sometimes one does go too fast or too slow no matter how hard one tries to get it right.  I now have a policy of giving more sessions and taking more time, step by step.  There are many techniques to make things gentler and reduce the overwhelm, and you can work with those.  You can even tap for the client over the phone if they are abreacting and instruct them to tap silently as you talk when they feel ready to join you.  If you haven't seen it already, a must-see is Specialty Series 1 .  If this is not something you have the training for or are comfortable with, there is no harm in referring to someone you know and trust just for those bits.

It is a very difficult situation, and I like you, have come across the Venezuelan Doctor Syndrome, for want of a better phrase.  It happens.  All you can do for your client now is be there for her should she need you in the future.  I hope this helps.

Hi Gill,

I have just found the bit in your posting where you said you asked to work on the initial issues and the client said no, so now I know it was her choice rather than yours.  So I'll change my advice accordingly :-)

I think many of us have come across this situation before.  The client may well return at some point and present you with new opportunities to offer this.  I have the same situation with a few.  They come and go as they feel is right for them.  You will get used to this pattern.  Sometimes they find the overwhelm so much in-between sessions that they prefer to leave sessions completely for a while.  Then when symptoms become unbearable again, the balance of symptoms versus overwhelm tips in favour of calling you for EFT again.  Then the overwhelm gets worse than the symptoms again, but you will have made good headway and given them some freedom.  So they go away again, and a few months or years later return.  Eventually, you may get to completely give them their freedom. 

Another possibility is to suggest to them an EFT retreat.  At the retreat, they will be EFTing for at least two days and will see others go for "the big one" and  get relief.  Mass EFT is very powerful.  They will also be in a supportive environment where everyone else is in the same boat.  

Suzanne

I appreciate your comments. I am fully trained, have done specialist abuse training, also trained as a counscellor and have masses of experience. It certainly was never my choice and alot of my frustration came from my intuition knowing where to go. I agree with you about the cultural differences.

After hearing from her again today I feel more positive about future possibilities. I have a good sense of where I can't go, and so far that has only been with people who I feel are actually psychiatrically disturbed and I have referred people on when I feel unable to meet their needs. This was not the case here.

I am still unsure how I could have handled it differently, but since its ended well, perhaps thats not an issue any more.

All of this conversation has been incredibly helpful.

Gill

Dear Gill,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum.

I thought I had a lot of patience but if there was an award you would definitely get it!

My take on this is simple...two things..

One..you were getting far too near the root of the problem and your client didn't want at that stage..and may never..want to let go subconsciously.

I have worked with two clients who spring to mind where I can see similarities ...both were quite abusive ..however I stopped the session and discussed this....one of them I discussed reversal with and that it was her way of stopping herself getting better..even though she had done wonders with her progress and EFT in a short time. We discussed getting far too near the problem for comfort.

And two ..control freak springs to mind. Continuously controlling the sessions , behaviour etc.

I really don't think you could have done any more ..as an outsider I would refer her to another Practitioner.

Lots of healing and love are sent to you in this difficult time,

Marie

Gill Wightman:

I am still unsure how I could have handled it differently, but since its ended well, perhaps thats not an issue any more.

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gill}}}}}}}}}}}}} Perhaps that's never been an issue in the first place.  We beat ourselves up when the client is pefectly happy.  Maybe it's a woman thing, who knows?

 It's not a "woman thing" to care.  Anyone who cares for others is likely to nurture.  That nurturing creates a connection.  Also, part of nurturing is letting people live with the consequences of decisions they make.  

I'm a doctor of chiropractic, coach, writer, and just nice guy (modest too) and can easily get "wiped out" energetically working on someone (whether eft, chiro, or just talking).  One thing I learned from another chiro who does energy work--he used straight affirmations, whereas I used the Choice Method to strengthen it, is:  I can help people without letting them drain my energy.  I can protect my energy while helping others with their problems.  

Just a thought.  I can expand on it some if anyone is interested.

 Rusty

 

 

II for one would love for you to expand on this, Rusty.  Please start another topic.  Perhaps something like:  How do you take care of yourself when working with others.

Thanks so much.

Bobbie

Hi Rusty,

great that you found us here. Yes, please share whatever you want. I am sure it helps a lot of people!

Thanks so much!

Ingrid 

Rusty I would be very pleased if you would expand on the topic. Although I did not take from Suzanne's comment that only women care. I took it she meant we tend to take responsibility for other peoples feelings more than a man might. The 'Guilt' thing! Before training in EFT self care was a big issue for me, now not so much now if I am tapping on myself at the same time. OR if it brings up some of my own issues, I can then tap on myself later or get help to do so. When I first became a therapist working as a kinesologist I did take on responsbility to make people feel better or change their lifestyle. I burnt out completely and was unable to sustain my practice working with those kind of burdens. But we all learn by experience and somethings can only be learnt in that way. I am in a whole new place now and EFT has helped me to do that, but when its someone I really care about, and I find that is usually someone who reminds me of any members of my family who will not entertain the ides of EFT, then I i find the gate in my boundaries to let me wander through:) I look forward to the discussion. Best wishes Gill