Hello,
It seems that EFT is profoundly changing my personality and as a result my whole world is crumbling and particularly my relationship. I have been with the same man for several years now but it seems we are unable to make our relationship work. We love each other dearly but we are also filled with resentment, fear and emotional wounds that are keeping us apart no matter how close we try to get. It seems that when one is ready for the big step, the other freaks out. As a result we did not get married and we did not have children. I am to blame as much if not even more that him.
We keep avoiding talking about our own true feelings. I often scream and he retrieves in his cave. He also talks but not about his true feelings. I am not going to explain all the dynamics of our relationship here but I just wanted to give you a background.
It also seems we never manage to finish things that is one of the reasons why I have decided not to chase him this time. I want to finish things. Not in a way that I want to end things but I want to go all the way. I want to complete things. I want to go beyond engagement and go to marriage. I want to settle down. Our house still looks like we have moved in 3 months ago after 5 years. I have been engaged to be married with him for 6 years and when he proposed I did not feel ready because we never had taken the time to really talk about how we felt about each other and not jut in a good way but in a true honest way, how we wanted our future to be and I also felt we wanted to keep things to ourselves, not share things (including money) and had no solidarity. In other words, I did not feel we were a couple.
The thing is I have not been able to finish things or complete a task or a project that was very dear to my heart since childhood. The more I postpone, the more I hate myself and the more I abuse myself by self-loathing. I went to a therapist and we worked on my fear of success. We explored my relationship with my mother. I understand that I "made my mother me" as she wanted. She asked me to choose sides between her and my dad when they divorced and to become exactly like her and feel like her which I did in spite of all my screaming and rebelling. I relived that "tyrant psychological terrorism" last summer when I visited her with my eternal husband to be. He comforted me when she screamed at me because I had not done or behaved as she expected. He helped me grow and I really felt I broke this covenant that has burdened all the mothers from my Spanish decent for generations. So I started to change profoundly . I started going all the way but it seems it was too late and he broke up with me again.
I cannot help wonder if it is because things are changing in a positive way that is breaking up. He feels very unworthy or he says he does. We are selling our poisoning house that has killed us for years because it came with noise, problems from 3 to 4 sources at a time, co-op problems, neighborhood problems, overwhelming problems. All this is about to end and I put a lot of energy into it to make it all go away for ever because I wanted to move to the next level in my life and with him. I am started to wonder if he really likes positive situations.
This leads to the Imago therapy part. A magical coincidence reminded me through email that I did own a book called Receiving Love written by the creators of the imago therapy the day before the break-up. I had never read it. It was part of my long list of unfinished projects. In the book was written so many things that looked like me. I understood I could not receive love and that I had made my boyfriend the same way unable to receive love. I do not think it is exactly that. I think we both suffered greatly from rejection early on. Any way, in the solution section they said to write down all the things that annoyed me in my partner. They say that by doing so I will be able to identify the parts of myself that have been split from me during childhood and also maybe my parents. I wrote everything down and I found that this is exactly 100% of the case each and every time.
Eaxample: I hate that he does not tell me his true feelings and that I feel there is a wall between us.
I never express my true emotions. I screem instead of crying... I also tend to keep things all inside and not trust anyone with my vulnerable part.
He is too clingy. He uses me to feel better but he does not care about me.
I became emotionally and financially dependent.
The list goes on and on.
As we are not going to be together and I still want to use what I have learned from this book, I am wondering how you could use EFT for that?
How do I use all the knowledge I have gained from our relationship so that I heal and don't mess up the next one? I am feeling ready for a change. I am ready to learn to trust and commit to a relationship now. I know there are some gradual steps I need to take but I know with EFT I can do it fast. I understand I need to go back to my childhood too and explore why I am so afraid to finish things and even "complete a committed relationship".
I want to make a man happy. My mother, grandmother and I suppose many women before that have hated men in my family and broken their spirits. I did just that with my boyfriend, actually we did that to each other. Of course, there is still a part of me that wants to make it happen with him because I have never felt so connected to anyone in my entire life than to him. He still says the same thing of me but I really have the feeling I am never going to win with him. That somehow by some unexplainable magical ways, there will always be obstacles for us to complete our relationship and of course I am deeply hurt but EFT gives me hope that I will not screw up next time.