I think everyone has something good to say here on this topic!

 Gill, thanks for your response. You know, I would say that I've forgiven abusers in varying amounts...I try to put a percentage on it.

One person I've forgiven 90%, another 60%, etc. What you say about the vulnerable child is spot on, and that's a part of me I've been working with specifically, with EFT and already was with other techniques, too. I am making up EFT statements as I tap on feelings. Then, I've noticed, a specific painful memory will appear, and I am able to tap on that and there's a definite emotional release.

 I will read through your words again to look for things to use for set-up phrases.  Anger in and of itself, I don't believe is bad or wrong. But with abuse, it seems to be a line of defense that can outlive its usefulness. I do see being angry for a time helpful and realistic. If I didn't get angry at outrageous injustice and what it took away from me, I don't think I'd be human! But anger points out that boundaries are needed. Anger can't be that boundary! I am needing to keep moving beyond that 'anger default setting'.

 Using EFT in the past month or so, I really do feel like I've cleared a great deal. Sorrow, anger, fear...I am still hoping to be able to work more and find greater success out in the world. I would say that my present goal with EFT is to continue to change the baseline of beliefs in myself, so that more and more, I come back to a natural peaceful self-confidence.  I guess I need to work on believing  that I will be safe when I heal more, and that I deserve to heal and grow and succeed at choices I can now make. Any suggestions anyone can make are welcome. Thanks for reading this.

creative1:

 Anger in and of itself, I don't believe is bad or wrong. But with abuse, it seems to be a line of defense that can outlive its usefulness. I do see being angry for a time helpful and realistic. If I didn't get angry at outrageous injustice and what it took away from me, I don't think I'd be human! But anger points out that boundaries are needed. Anger can't be that boundary! I am needing to keep moving beyond that 'anger default setting'.

I guess I need to work on believing  that I will be safe when I heal more, and that I deserve to heal and grow and succeed at choices I can now make. Any suggestions anyone can make are welcome.

Hi Creative,

That's a great point you make about anger can't be that boundary!! It can serve a great purpose but if it's our only method of protection or power it can really deplete us. Anger as a protection strategy long term just doesn't work and our bodies (and minds) really suffer.

Have you tried making a list of all the events where you 1. didn't and don't feel safe? 2. where you felt you didn't and don't deserve? 

What's behind you saying "I guess I need to work on believing  that I will be safe when I heal more"? others being threatened? you feeling not deserving of success or getting better? you feeling afraid or unsafe (be specific)? List all the events that still bother you when you think about them and also write down the beliefs you came to about yourself as a result, see if the pattern of beliefs are ones of not feeling safe and not feeling you deserve. There may be others too and then you can tap on them.

Hope this helps

Noreen.

 Noreen,

Thanks very much for you thoughts. You've given me a good framework for an organized approach to doing more EFT. I have kind of stumbled upon doing it this way, using memories of events I know have affected my beliefs, sense of safety and of what I deserve. I'm sure already that the patterns of belief are of not feeling safe or deserving. I was just tapping on all of these concerning some current events in which some people are not treating me respectfully, even though I am respectful to them.

 It's important for me realize that I don't choose other people's behavior. They do. There's nothing about me that causes them to act any certain way. I seem to think this on some level, probably because I was criticized and then physically or sexually abused on several occasions. I do feel I'm making progress. I definitely am calmer in general in this month I've been doing EFT almost every day.

 I notice that there's a sense of helplessness in me, and I do believe it comes from exposure to domestic violence as a child, and to the other forms of abuse that happened to me. This also seems to relate to the use of anger, because I feel angry when I feel helpless about my life. Probably listing events where I felt helpless would help to...LOL. I will use your suggestions. Thanks again.

 Hi Creative,

 When people don't treat us the way we want them to, it brings up two things usually (when we've been traumatised)

1. That we don't set healthy boundaries because we don't know how to - and then we get angry, mostly with ourselves

2. We feel responsible for everyone's behaviour - an all pervading sense of 'this is my fault' - the guilt we've internalised that something we did or who we are made this happen to us because we're 'bad' in some way (many times this is unconscious and it's not 'logical')

As you say this makes you feel helpless and until now anger has been the best way for you not to feel this way and it also gives you back some sense of power. Anger is a great way of saying 'stop' just not long term. There is a great book by Peter Levine called Healing Trauma - it gives excellent exercises to set healthy boundaries in us first and foremost, to get back into bodies and be able to feel what we feel etc. There are very good exercises in it so it may be something useful for you as you are using EFT. It's a short book and easy to read ;-)

I hope this helps, you're doing great ;-)

Noreen.

Thanks everyone for this amazing discussion.

When talking about anger as a boundary, I realized that anger is something that must be felt to have it. We cannot be angry without feeling it, and thus, if we decide to let go of it, with it goes the boundary. That is why anger can't set boundaries long term, it can only be a short term protection. A boundary should be something that is consistently up and working for us, that we don't have to reinvent every time we are exposed to less than perfect situations, but that works for us.

At the same time, it ishard to have feelings that are the opposite of anger as long as anger is so important to us. We invest all of our emotional capacity into this feeling, and somehow often believe that, because we are doing this, the perpetrator suffers, too. Unfortunately, that is not the case. The anger felt is only by the victim and usually has no consequences for the perpetrator. So by holding on to anger we are accomplishing three things:

- Set up temporary boundaries, which cost us so much energy that we can't establish natural, healthy ones

- Invest a good portion of our emotional energy and life experience into a very negative feeling

- Prevent ourselves from finding truly powerful ways of dealing with the perpetrator, because the anger doesn't allow for us to get out of oour own way to focus on what needs to be done.

Everytime we think about what should be done about the perpetrator, we connect it with getting personal satisfaction and appreciation for what we have been through. This is, unfortunately, often not possible.

I see many clients who are hanging on to the anger at someone who has died a long time ago. There is no boundary neccessary, as the person is gone. When they understand that forgiveness does NOT mean condoning what happened, or releasing someone from the responsibility for the trauma he/she has caused, but that it simply means refocussing, grounding oneself in the hear and now, hopefully tapping on the energetic blocks that the pain has caused with EFT, and releasing the need to feel anger as the only appropriate response that can honor what the client has been through, then healing begins.

I like to work with "parts" in this case: Even though a part of me has never been heard, I aknowledge this part and how she feels.

Even though this part of me still hosts all these feelings she had as a child, and nobody helped her, I find deep respect for what she has been through, and tell her that she made it anyway.

Even though a part of me truly wants to see the perpetrator puniished, and anything less would be unfair and not enough, I deeply aknowledge this feeling and allow myself to heal and grow anyway, not despite of what happened, but  because of it.

Even though another part of me is sick and tired of being so angry, I honor all of me - I know I am doing the very best I can.

Even though I feel frustrated that I should have to forgive this &*%$# before I can heal, I allow myself to find a way to heal that truly and instantly works for me.

Even if this %&*#&^ can't take back of what he/she did to me, and it's completely unfair that i have to life with it, I respect myself for my determination to never give up the dream of healing.

Even though these parts of me are having a deep conflict with each other, and I can't see a good solution, I honor and respect how they feel and that they are truly doing whatever they can to heal.

Even though it hurst that I am so alone with this, and I believe that nobody will ever understand how I feel and what this meant to me, I know that my subconnscious knows and understands on the deepest levels, and that it is OK for me to heal now.

Something like this.

We don't have to ignore the need for anger, revenge annd protection, we can see that all of  this is  truly a part of  who we are and that we can heal - no matter, what.

Love to all!
Ingrid

 Namaste,

Yes, I've read "Awakening the Tiger'. I do some body-oriented healing, and mindfulness work. Maybe I'll reread that book. Thanks very much for your responses!

Ingrid,

Thank you for all these compassionate thoughts and suggestions.  I will definitely use these in my tapping routines. 

We don't have to ignore the need for anger, revenge annd protection, we can see that all of  this is  truly a part of  who we are and that we can heal - no matter, what. -----That's really affirming to me, Ingrid!

 I also just want to say for myself that anger has certainly not been the only appropriate response I have felt to trauma and abuse. I have felt many feelings, had many ideas. I have turned much of what was horrible negativity and pain into something positive. I am a compassionate and kind person. I have helped and supported many people in many different ways. Anger is just one emotion. To me, there are no positive or negative emotions. They are all just like colors on a palette. I have had the opportunity to learn about anger in general, and my own feelings of anger. That too is a benefit.