I am so tired of visualising having money and affirmations and writing it all down and being grateful for everything that isn't going my way and being grateful for things that are going my way and tithing and working hard and doing my best and being cheerful and really believeing its all going to change and really bel;ieving I have everything I want and being cheerful about where I am at and tapping on things that make me feel bad and being hypnotised, doing childhood regression stuff, meditating, the one command, etc.....

 all to be in debt and dependent on a man I haven't loved in years, to be stuck in the same boat and still be treated the way I am in my neighborhood and by my family.  (But hey you guys are always respectful...thank you very much:)

 I just want one thing to work today.  I don't care which technique...even if its the old fashioned hard work ethic...I would take it.  But that doesn't even seem to work for me.

Venting...thanks for listening.

Teann,

I'm glad you're feeling comfortable venting here.  

Have you heard of the Tap and Rant?  It's where you move through the points tapping on exactly what you feel - without editing or trying to "get it right".  Just tap on things like:

"I so tired of all this visualizing and affirmations"

"Is this ever going to change?"

"I'm SO tired of this mess"

"I just wish something would finally work."

Right now, it sounds like your system is pretty overloaded.  The Tap and Rant often helps reduce this overload a bit.

Then, after the intensity goes down a bit, I'd suggest a period of re-assessment.  You've been trying lots of things without seeing results.  One of the things I would suggest reassessing is the idea of getting some support.  Most of the people I know who have made big changes in the area of abundance have support.  To give you an idea of what I've talking about, here's a quote from Napolean Hill on what he calls Mastermind Groups:

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“Analyze the record of any man who has accumulated a great fortune, and many of those who have accumulated modest fortunes, and you will find that they have either consciously or unconsciously employed the ‘Master Mind’ principle.”

 

Tapping buddies and mastermind groups don't cost anything and make a big difference for those who are willing to make use of them.

 

Blessings,

 

Paul

 

 

Hi Teann

I think it's really important to be emotionally honest with ourselves. It really is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves. Pretending, for whatever reason, will just put extra and usually unnecessary pressure on us. Trying, struggling, denying, repressing are basically different forms of resistance. Ironically when we stop resisting things flow better. It's like making a fist with your hand, try NOT to make it, it's impossible isn't it? Maybe you can use EFT for your resistance to what IS, tap and dissolve it, and say the 'unsayable' (even if just to yourself). Usually what is unsayable is what we are denying the most and have the most charge on. But the evidence shows up in our lives anyway. We can't address anything with EFT we don't acknowledge and sometimes this can be scary, because it may mean we need to make big changes that we are not ready for yet.

So tap on exactly what you are feeling as Paul says, shout and scream if you need to! Just let it out.

All the best

Noreen.

(((((Hugs))))) to you Teann. Please know that even if everything around you stinks, it's okay that it stinks. It's okay to say my life is a mess and I don't like it. It's okay to not be happy with everything. It's okay that stuff feels so hard and it's a struggle and nothing's working. It's okay to stop pretending. It's okay to face the reality that you are in debt and don't love your man. It's okay to not like your neighbors and family. It's okay that your life has been hard. And it's even okay if you can't fix anything around you. It's even okay if you can't "fix" yourself. It's even okay if my saying it's okay makes you mad or sad or hate me! And that's because the core part of you, the spark of life that makes you breathe and think and be in human form, is always perfect and can't be hurt and can't be wounded and can't be fixed and can't be broken. And it's even okay if you think I'm nuts and you have no idea what I'm talking about. You are part of the human tapestry living in this world right now. You belong. You are supposed to be here. And you are loved.

1. hi Teann
2. I've missed having you around! you have a cute energy, for all your complaining
3. how've you been doing? Surely you don't do nothing but dislike your husband and get into more debt? Anything else to report?
4. if you want a private session, get one.
5. You're welcome on these forums even if you solve your problems, so don't feel obliged to hold onto them too tight
6. you're so sweet! I really love you! And I'm proud of you for staying married to your husband and kids' Dad. You are beyond belief.
7. loads of love
8. Rochel

cute energy...yes i do.  i walked a couple of miles with one dog, swam with the other, helped the boys mow the neighbor's lawn, transplanted some flowers in my own garden along with all the other househole chores and its only 4pm with lots more to do:)

 

hmmm what have i been doing other than husband hating and complaining?  i did that rental thing but lost tons of money in that and do so weekly it seems to the point where I think i may lose our primary residence which is a bummer, not because i mind having to leave hubby or losing the lake house so much as because i only make 9/hour working in Lowe's lawn and garden and can't afford to get a big enough apartment for which ever of my 4 boys still need place to stay.  i have been turned down at several rental units because of my income and credit.  I know I own some, but i can't afford the mortgages either.  i need the renters.

i am in great shape from working in lawn and garden and look pretty hot for 47 year old mom of 4, though every one at work thinks i'm butch.  that was upsetting at first, but now i am enjoying my role a little more.

i went to the beach and had a great time...i am typing in italics and get it to turn off....i did control i but the pc is choosing not to respond to my command...lol...ok anyway i am drinking coffee like there is no tomorrow and i have to get everything done right now and if i didn't i wouldn't have this kinda cute energy.

 

my art classes go well.  i do seem to have some innate ability, but do not feel it is my thing and am thinking of changing my major.  i knida have to sneak because of hubby and money, but ya know, if not now, when?  because he has been sayingno for 20 years and i notice he never denies himself career advancement so screw him.

 

i went to work a few days a week for my gropey landscape boss because i was not making enough elsewhere.  it was tough and uncomfortable keeping him in line but i did so.  then one day he was complaining about working for this guy and said this (n word) should be working for him, not the other way around.  so it turns out the guy we were working for was black and i up and quit without pay for that week because my boss is such a pig.  lol its ok to call a white guy a pig, but not to call a black guy the n word.  i'm not sure there is a difference.  name calling is name calling.

 

no i do not want to start my own landscape business as everyone always suggests.  i am trying to get away from that life desperately with or without pay.

 

i am not proud of me for staying married.  i am ashamed i am not financially independent.  staying married because of some ancient and irrelevant and arbitrary moral code is no better than staying married for a roof over your head.

 

i am proud that there is very little that my husband can do these days that affects the rest of my life.  he can't pull the emotional strings he once did and i have very few expectations from marriage which gives me a great deal of blessed freedom.

 

i gotta go make dinner.

 

thanks for all the nice responses. 

 

its ok to feel like life stinks....that feels good too.  its not that it stinks so much.  its that i can never have what i want.  i have plenty and i share plenty some of it i even enjoy, but i want boobs and money to move around independently.  i always have.  and i am watching the clock tick and not getting either.

 

compromise leads to mediocrity.

 

tonight i would like to have a bedroom to myself with a stack of books so i could have a beautiful nights sleep before i go back to work tomorrow morning.  I can't even have that:(

 

 

"compromise leads to mediocrity."...

 

hi, yer...yer...yer...vern...used...to...think...like

...that...too...it...just...dont...work...does...it...you

...see...its...never...all...or...nothing...its...a...percentage

game...thats..."THE...REAL...SECRET..."

 

 peace&love...vern

Deborah,

You brought a big smile to my face with this post.  Thanks!

Much love,

Paul

Hi Teann,

I think the answer lays in the question: 

What do you really want?

You may have to tap until you find the answer, but my guess is that is a big clue.

I hope this helps :-) 

What do I really want?   Just what I said.  Big Boobs, and the freedom to move about....like move to  my own house, or to rent a place in Frisco.  I would also like 3 or 4 degrees before I die....a little late.  I had hoped to be accomplished much sooner.  But I don't want to, absolutely don't want to work or have my own business.  I want to be young enough to enjoy some of things that go with education, but that is impossible now.  But I will enjoy the education anyway.

I have been tapping away on a trip home to see mom.  I definitely don't ever want to go to Pittsburgh again and I don't really care to see Mom or anyone else there for that matter.  I have been tapping on these things.  But I just don't wanna.  Its an obligation.  The kids want to go to the city and see their grandmother.  The same money would have got me someplace I wanted to be, and maybe by myself.  That would have been nice, nicer, nicest.

 So never going home is on the wish list too.  But tapping doesn't seem to relieve the anxiety.  Its getting so bad...well I had to try something.

 

Hi Teann,
I was just thinking of you today, and wondering how you were getting along. What I wanted to ask you is: when you say EFT doesn't work, do you mean it hasn't helped you reach certain goals, or that it has never helped you to do anything? The reason I ask is because you certainly seem to be more confident in your opinion and more clear about what you want, from post to post, so it seems that you do seem to be getting some benefits.

But from this post, you also seem very conflicted. You (as an individual) want one thing, while You (as a mother) want something else. When you act according to what You (the mother) want, then You (the girl) feel betrayed. Yet at the same time, it's important to you to do what You (the mother wants.

When I was a girl I used to give a running commentary in the third person about what I was doing (just in case anyone was watching the film of my life). It's sort of a degree of disconnect. Is this what you have?

I read your posts, Teann, and the subject of "big boobs" comes up a lot.  And I wonder to myself, "Why is she so preoccupied with larger breasts?"

Believe me, coming from someone who has had big boobs from the age of 14, they're not all they're cracked up to be.  First of all, seems men assume that if you have them you grew them on purpose just to make men stare.  Really.  I read a study once that showed that people believe that a full-figured woman was less intelligent and less moral than one with a smaller bustline.  Don't even get me started on the back and shoulder problems, the indentations on my shoulders from the bra straps, the fact that I have a hard time fitting into clothes and finding clothes that I can wear and don't look ridiculous in.  Forget all those cute strapless styles.

I can't imagine wanting all that.

What about exploring the possibility that you could accept the body you were born with, and finding ways to show to its best advantage the figure you have?

No way.  I want them...and naturally.

 

I grew up being called deformed and *** and continually having my feminity questioned.  I want to be gawked at and thought of soft and slutty.  I mean who wants to be moral?.  That is such a narrow miserable death sentance.

 

Sorry about the back problems, but when you are as athletic as me, people dump all the menial stuff on you.  I get to do all the heavy lifting everywhere I go.  Other women my age (the pretty soft ones) ask me to do their tough stuff all the time, and men expect me to take care of myself.  So my back is just as bad.

 

Half the people at work think Iam a ***.  I am not just small...like an A or a AA.   I don't have a cup size.  The mammogram people say they can do men, but they can't do me because I am too small, yet every so often a Dr will sign me up for that misery and I have to face the humiliation all over again.  "We can't do a mammogram.You are too small."   "If we remove that lump, you won't have any breasts at all."  "You'd be better off if you get cancer, then you'll be able to get fake ones for free."

 

Nope...I'm not making do.  I have tried to look and act feminine in hopes someone might hold a door or ask me to do something girly.  Hell I look so old now, I'm never gonna get a good man.  I just want to be thought of as a woman...in the old fashioned sense...just once???

 

PS  I've got a very high iq...I don't even care if they think I'm stupid.  I know what goes on in my mind.  Its easy enough to prove if I have too.

Rachel.

No conflict with the wife and mother thing in terms of desire.  I simply hate it.  I parent by instinct when the kids are little and guilt when they are older.

And all the other desires just translate to freedom without responsibility at this point. I haven't a really clear goal.  It does change frequently because everything outside of my life seems wonderful and attractive and I want it the minute I see it....lol...then I see something else and I want to try it too:)

Teann,

You *sound* feminine if it's any comfort. I'd come and give you a hug and a kiss if I lived nearer you.

I wonder if perhaps you ever made a vow or solemn promise to not be feminine, when you were young, or to be conflicted, etc, or to be poverty stricken or a slave or masculine or strong. Think back to the books you read etc, does anything stand out as having been a particularly attractive way of living? eg cinderella!

Sometimes when people make a vow or even just a mental promise, they can't go forwards with their life until they release the vow. For example:

ET I vowed I would ..... I release the vow, and I forgive myself for having made it, I made it for a reason but now I have better ways to get that thing, and I allow myself to inherit my birthright. I'm ready to deal with all thoughts and memories and beliefs and hopes and dreams that this has brought up and lay some outdated ones to rest.

I once read a very compelling book which extolled the virtues of someone who was really poor. Thinking back, if I ever made a vow to be poor, it was then, as it seemed a quick-fix solution to how to be good~ I didn't like behaving or co-operating too much, but I wanted to be good! I released the vow with EFT, and have seem much more money in my life in ways compatible with my values since then.

 If you can't remember a vow, try "ET I may have made a vow but don't remember, I ask myself to remember what it might have been and why I needed to make it." or "ET I have a vow and I don't know what it is, I'd like to release it and safely lay it to rest".

I'm Jewish, and certain spoken vows are subject to very strict laws on how to release them, but it is nearly always possible. I know a woman who once took a vow not to have any children. Many years later she didn't have children and she went to a holy Rabbi who asked if she'd ever vowed not to have children - she then properly released the vow and did indeed have a child.

Perhaps  you once vowed not to get any pleasure from husband, parents or children. It seems a shame you should be so guilt driven and so wonderful and yet fail to get any pleasure. Three of my boys are wildly playing football across the dining room now, two hours past their bedtime, and I'm alternately barking at them to get to bed and ignoring them - but I sure get a lot of pleasure from them. I wish it to you too, (if you want it that is) you deserve it.

Another idea might be tap on the ideas of family members, eg (ignore if they don't apply to you) "Even though I have these kids and I don't see why I need them, IDACLAAM and I send myself insights about how this benefits me" "ET i have this husband who I don't much like, IDACLAAM and I allow myself to explore what beliefs I've picked up about husbands" "ET I think the whole idea of family is outdated and created to take advantage of women, IDACLAAM and I'm open to creating a new vision that works for our family, and then perhaps sharing it with the rest of the world as well. There must be other women who are suffering and constricted like me." "ET I can't be bothered fostering a relationship with Mum, (and I do love her dearly) IDACLAAM and I'm open to the idea that she loves me very much in her own way and I'm open to the idea that I might one day get some degree of pleasure from that love"