I have had migraines for 30 yrs starting when I married. I have worked diligently 3 yrs eliminating all physical issues (diet, toxins, etc). Now I believe it is emotional. So going back to when I married I now feel that realizing my husband disrespected my decision to stay “pure” has affected me. I know this was and still is a major issue for me that has affected my sex life all along. I know I should forgive him and I have but…there is still a part of me angry with him. How do I tap on this issue and rid this anger?

 Hi Judy,

You have come to the right place, and it sounds like it is the right time for you to deal with the anger that has been festering inside for over thiry years. First, I want to congratulate for the being here and stepping forward. It takes a lot of courage to be doing this, and the payoff will be big.

I am assuming that you know the EFT basics. If not, you can download Gary Craig's book, get his videos or find a basic guide to tapping on youtube.

Is your anger at your husband a "10"? Before you start tapping notice the intensity of the anger and take note of it.

Here are some set-up phrases that you can start with. Feel free to change any of the words to make it work best for you, Even though:

• I am not sure that EFT will really make my migraines go away, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
• I doubt that EFT can make my migraines that have been with me for 30 years...
• I am really angry at my husband for disrespecting my "no" and hurting me so deeply...
• I have been so angry at my husband for all of these years, and I can see now that my anger may be related to my migraines, ... and I forgive myself for holding my anger.
• I am still pissed at my husband for not honoring me...

Say the set-up phrases while tapping on your karate chop point.

Then tap on your body points saying something like, "unpure anger" or whatever you want to use as a reminder phrase. After a round or two of tapping, consider Tap 'n ***--it is where you get it all out. Tap on a point about 7 times and say something about the issue you are dealing with. Go to the next point and say some more. You keep doing it until you get it ALL out--until you are bored with your words about your anger about what your husband made you do.

Then check your intensity--and also notice how your head feels.

Hope this helps.

Merry Christmas,
JoAnn

Judy,

Joann gave you some great advice and some good tapping phrases to use for your anger.  I do feel, though, that it is extremely important to also deal with the factor of forgiveness, and since you mentioned it specifically in your subject, I'm thinking it's still an issue.

It's really important to get to a place of forgiveness for your husband.  His actions adversely affected you, and you've been carrying baggage about that ever since.  You could work with phrases like "Even though my husband didn't respect my decision to stay pure" and "Even though my husband's actions affected my sex life", and use the choices method to incorporate the "and I choose to forgive him for his actions".  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much power there is in those words of forgiveness.

Equally important is getting to a place of forgiveness for yourself.  You may not even realize it (I certainly didn't), but you may still be holding yourself responsible for what happened too.  In my own personal healing, I was amazed at how much I held myself responsible for, and forgiving myself for all of it, rational or not, worked wonders for me.  If you can't think of specific issues, use a choices statement more generically, as in "and I choose to forgive myself for any part that I may have played in this".

Forgiveness was critical to my own healing, and allowed me to overcome a great deal of physical pain. I hope you'll check back in with us and let us know how the tapping for anger and forgiveness is working for you.

Warm holiday wishes,

        Pat

 Pat

You have raised a very good point here.  When I first studied the DVD set, for some reason I missed out Palace Of Possibilities, and went straight from Beyond the Basics to the Speciality Series.  It is one of the reasons I am so grateful for Garys decision to redo the exam and include the Palace of Possibilities, and for just generally being made to review everything because my big AHA moment this year was the importance of forgiveness.  Maybe that was why I ended up losing my notes and watching the session with Beth over and over 5 times in the end, to be sure I really got the point!  

Whilst I do not think it can be rushed, and is perhaps a natural result of tapping eventually, it is good to be aware if there are any blocks to really letting go.  Since I have been more concious of the need to forgive and to work on any blocks I may have for feeling unable to, my own personal progress has been huge, and I am so aware of ending 2008 with no anger whatsoever towards the nurses and the doctor involved in the debacle when my mother died.  In the middle of this year I was wracked with physical pain and truly never thought I would get over the emotional pain but it has been possible, totally possible to acheive 100% peace and freedom on this issue, and to be honest if you had asked me in August, I would have, despite all I know about EFT, been sure this was one thing I could never forgive!

And that absolutely includes myself more than anyone else.

Looks like we both came a long way this year!

Hugs

Gill

 Hi Judy,

I love to use Switchwords with EFT.  Switchwords are one-word affirmations
that are the essence of an experience, condition or desired result.

When using Switchwords, I generally do not do a Setup Phrase; I just
tap the Switchword(s) on all the points, including the setup point and
sequence.  A few Switchwords that seem appropriate for your situation,
to help you release the anger and resentment, may be:

CLEAR - dispel anger and resentment

FORGIVE - elminate remorse

PHASE - improve the situation

REVERSE - bury a grudge

UNCLE - dispel untogetherness

THANKS - stop regretting

SHUT - stop looking for trouble

LIGHT- lighten the mood

TOGETHER -  have it all together (Master Switchword)

Try tapping any and/or all of those Switchwords that feel right to you
through EFT and see what happens.

Also, for a love relationship, I find that DIVINE-LOVE-TOGETHER
can be a powerful enhancer.  You may wish to tap that Switchphrase
through EFT a few times a day and watch the magic.

You will find a complete list of Universal Switchwords at:
http://www.sw.ehdef.com

There are also additional articles on Switchwords available at:
http://www.aboutsw.ehdef.com

Judy, I trust this information will be helpful for you.
I would love to hear feedback.

If I am still mad at him then I haven't forgiven him? I know I need to and most of the time I feel like I have but I am still alilttle mad so....

Everytime we get intimate I feel like he is still pushing to cross the limits I set in my mind which is crazy because we are many years married now...it shouldn't matter....does that make sense?

I don't feel like I am holding myself responsible. I thought about that long and hard.

I am going to use a couple of Joann's tapping phrases...they sound like just what I need. Many thanks to both of you.

Blessings,  

Judy7

Judy,

If you're still mad at your husband, you haven't forgiven him.  That anger will disappear once the forgiveness is there.

If you have trouble really feeling that you can forgive him, start off with something like "Even though I'm not really sure that I want to forgive my husband...." and work from there. 

The best thing to do is always to use your own feelings and words for the tapping phrases you use, such as:

• Even though I still feel like my husband is pushing to cross the limits......."
• Even though after all these years of marriage, it shouldn't matter, but it does....."

As you're tapping on those phrases, if you have any other thoughts regarding your anger at your husband pop into your head, tap on those too.  Be sure to keep track of your intensity level, so you have a guage for your progress.

Warm regards,

      Pat

pattyann2264:

If you're still mad at your husband, you haven't forgiven him.  That anger will disappear once the forgiveness is there.

I agree with the importance of forgiveness and just want to point out that sometimes it works the other way around - the forgiveness appears once all the anger has gone.  Sometimes people want so much to forgive, but they just find they can't, and it's because there are aspects still causing hurt that haven't been cleared through tapping.  Once all the aspects are clear, it seems that forgiveness often happens naturally.

Judy I'd suggest using the Movie Technique with the very first specific event that caused you to feel this way about your husband.  If we can clear the very first event totally, it can clear everything that was built on top of it.  And as you do that, be aware of any memories that come up from something earlier in your life, sometimes the trouble is that our partner triggers something unresolved from our childhood. If that happens, use the Movie Technique on the earlier memories too.

I've seen people move to peace and forgiveness after healing all the anger and other emotions around the original event and it's just so wonderful, it makes so much difference in our life now.

With very best wishes,

Jo

 Jo/Judy

I have been instructed to go and find someone to talk to when I started complaining about the noise of the new X-box game, from which all my 'boys' cannot seem to tear their eyes from at the moment and I have been hounded out:)    

Jo what you said is so true, but sometimes a useful question is around being able to forgive or not and then that throws up the remaining nuggets of anger, and specific events still triggering the anger gets to the core really quickly.  Its not so much trying to force the forgiveness to quickly and I certainly wouldn't introduce it before the anger had been much reduced, but it gets all the pockets of infection out almost if we are finding it hard to truly let go.

I agree true forgiveness can only come about when you have taken the emotional charge out of the events and is a natural result of that, but focusing on the ability  or willingness to forgive then throws up the tailenders, all the reasons why it just isn't possible, and seems to get me in their faster to what the real issue is. 

I used to believe you didn't have to forgive someone, as some things are unforgiveable, for healing to take place, and that was to support my feeling that there were some things I personally didn't want to forgive, which is why I think I managed not to hear that message when I first watched the DVD's.  The difference since taking on board this concept has been mindblowing and taken me from 'good enough to live with it' to total freedom.

I wonder if Pat had the same experience and thats where she is coming from with the focus on forgiveness.  There is a phrase 'I will forgive but I won't forget' which pretty much means we haven't really forgiven.  So working through the bits we can't forget will be really helpful.

Joan, if you find using the movie technique a little hard on yourself (as I do, but I realise others can do it just fine) I find this is where working with a tappy bear is helpful (and why I found it hard to use my cute one) make the bear into the person you are angry with, let it be your husband and just tap on it as you explain 'exactly' why you are still so angry.  If you don't have a bear you can tap on your first finger, as that is a good finger for forgiveness issues while you do this.  Some people feel just to stupid doing it with a bear (although that could also be tappable but theres no point getting sidetracked from the main issue).

I think JoAnn mentioned the Tap and Rant method, although her link to the explanation didn't work when I tried it.  This is pretty much just getting to a quiet place and letting rip, just saying all the things you want to say and tapping at the same time.  I find this really effective when I am angry and unreasonable.  Let your language be EXACTLY what you need it to be, and I tell my clients who are worried about who might here them 'up there', don't worry 'cos he knows your thinking it anyway:) when they feel diffident about doing that out loud!

Another fantastic way I have been using EFT for relationship issues is to encourage the client to get into the energy of the person they are agrieved with.  First of all I get them to imagine if there is a barrier between them.  Things that have been realised as they allow themselves to visualise this (most people can - if you can't see just guess what it might be) are what feels like a big blocks of ice, or a fence with rolls of prison wire around the top.  Its going to be pretty hard to feel close to someone if you have barbed wire between you!  In fact the nature of the fence can indicate the problem (ie young mums feeling trapped at home stuck with the baby and feeling resentful of their husbands 'freedom' for instance).

Then I invite them to take on the energy of the other person as they imagine them in that particular scene.  Tap for the other persons feelings.  This throws up amazing hitherto unacknowledged insights about their partners insecurities and doubts and fears.  Its always easier to forgive a person if you can get a feeling of where they are coming from. It sounds a strange technique but its amazing what comes up when you are open to doing it.

Sometimes we have to tap for resistance to taking on another persons energy.  Remember this isn't necessarily real, but it will be what you 'feel' was going on and thats what is important. Both of you are different from who you are then, so you are healing the energetic memory held from that time.

It really seems to allow real compassion for our loved one to flow in and when they go back to check the ice has melted or the fence has got lower (maybe more aspects to look at) but the thought of being with their loved one feels much different.

For some more ideas how to use this you can check out this article.  Its for our inner parent relationships but I have been using the idea with any relationship conflict or person who's point of view I have clashed with and it was instrumental in allowing me to forgive the doctors and nurses I mentioned in the previous post. (They made terrible and harmful mistakes which actually caused real pain and suffering in my mothers final days so I am in a good position to attest to the fact that it works! - I can write that and 'feel' nothing which isn't something I ever thought could be possible.

http://www.emofree.com/Articles2/internal-parents.htm

Also here are some great reframes for anger by a fellow Scot.  We Scots know alot about anger:)

http://www.emofree.com/Anger-management/thoughts-on-anger.htm

If this feels too difficult to do alone maybe you can find someone to help you with it.  Relationships are always worth our investment!  They are far to precious.

Gill

Gill Wightman:

Jo what you said is so true, but sometimes a useful question is around being able to forgive or not and then that throws up the remaining nuggets of anger, and specific events still triggering the anger gets to the core really quickly.  Its not so much trying to force the forgiveness to quickly and I certainly wouldn't introduce it before the anger had been much reduced, but it gets all the pockets of infection out almost if we are finding it hard to truly let go.

Absolutely - I must have been writing too quickly yesterday - I meant to simply offer the other perspective - sometimes forgiveness needs to be addressed specifiically AND sometimes a lack of ability to forgive can indicate remaining emotions to be addressed. I think it's important to be aware of both perspectives, as either one or both can need addressing for any particular issue.  Just thought I'd clarify that! :0)

Gill,

The turkey is in the oven, all the preparations are done, and I have a few minutes to respond.

My experience with forgiveness was a bit different than yours.  I knew and acknowledged that I needed to forgive certain people in my life, no matter how unforgiveable I felt their actions had been.  I worked actively on that.  What I didn't realize was how critical it was for me to forgive ME. 

When you live with a mother who never thinks what you do is good enough, and marry a man who constantly blames you for every problem, no matter how irrational it may be, you internalize those things.  I had a zillion things tucked away in the back of my subconscious mind for which I had accepted blame, and those were the issues that I needed to tap through in order to get to the place where I needed to be.  Forgiving others moved me along my road, but forgiving myself was what allowed me to reach my destination.

Warm hugs,

       Pat

Pat,

I agree that forgiving oneself is the ultimate. Many times we have to forgive everyone else involved before we are ready to forgive ourself. It can be easier to blame others, but many times there is a part of ourself that is pointing the finger of us, and many times there is a part of us who has been in denial about our part in the situation.

For future events, it is most helpful to stop the blame game of others--ourself included. If we do that, then we don't have to keep being so hard on ourself or others. Then if we or someone else does something we don't like--it is a mistake. It makes life way easier. It makes our mind more clear and we have less physical pain, too. Funny how that works.

Each person is different, however, many people have a critical parent that they carry around in their head. Sometimes, that voice even parrots some of the phrases that our parents or teachers used. I have found it helpful to thank that part of me, tell it that I appreciate the help that they have given me, and that it is no longer necessary. Then I assign it another job--like finding good, and sharing that--instead of being so critical.

Pat

You are absolutely right.  Forgiving myself was one of the hardest things I had to do.

Gill

selfheal4me:

Absolutely - I must have been writing too quickly yesterday - I meant to simply offer the other perspective - sometimes forgiveness needs to be addressed specifiically AND sometimes a lack of ability to forgive can indicate remaining emotions to be addressed. I think it's important to be aware of both perspectives, as either one or both can need addressing for any particular issue.  Just thought I'd clarify that! :0)

Jo, I knew thats what you meant!  It is good to be aware that it can be a need to look at one aspect or the other, just as also there is a need to be aware of the balance between forgiving others and forgiving ourselves.  It can be a bit of a see saw, like getting the scales balanced properly sometimes.

Gill