Hi everyone,

I have just been reading something about Carers and saw this heading in the article?

Exclusion from society.

Instantly, I thought ' yes' is the answer to that one !

• Can't get out to shop, appointments, socialise
• Go out for a walk or exercise
• Go out to work
• Haven't got a life

The list probably goes on.

Quite often the one we are caring from is excluded by their illness , so the combination is like a whole little world ..an exclusion zone.

Waiting for friends or  family to arrive and take over, only so long to be away from the role .. no wonder the carer has issues with stress, anger, resentment, guilt, feeling isolated and alone.

Has anyone any views to share ?

Any solutions, suggestions or ideas to a seemingly impossible role ?

Warmest wishes,

Marie

Hello Marie

I think one has to stop and ask themselves what it is that they need and are receiving from taking on such a role that they would allow this to happen. I understand if someone within your family needs care [or if you have chosen this as a career] and perhaps that care is round the clock but you as the role of caregiver do not have to suffer the effects of needing to be that caregiver 24/7 and choice to isolate yourself from the world, etc. makes no sense to me.

Hire someone to come in and help. Get all the aid possible via the government to help. Find a way out and stay connected to the world outside of this JOB that you have taken on or been given, whatever the case. Dont' allow someone or something to make you feel guilty for not wanting to die right along with your patient or human soul that you are taking care of. We all deserve life and the enjoyment and pleasure that it brings.

Don't wait for another family member to pitch in. Either tell them they need to or find someone else ... PERIOD! Don't allow the anger to consume you and don't EXPECT anyone to feel that they too need to be in this position and role. We are all different and we all have choices and if other family members choose not to step up or contribute, that's their choice and out of your hands so move on. By continuing to hope and wait and not understand their reasons etc. you are only causing your self more grief and pain and sorrow, etc. Stop it!!! Let it go. Do what you can and make it a priority to find outside help and assistance.

Much love, Kathleen

 Kathleen

This is where EFT can come in very useful as there is so much guilt often involved in making these decisions when requesting care.  It is the expectations of everyone else.  

When I recognised my health would suffer and my family would suffer and I could not care for my mother in a way that suited her needs if I was to carry on being her full time carer from her home, the decision to place her in a NH was an agonising one.  We may recognise that we need time, help, can't do it but often we do want to be able to and it does feel like somehow we have failed.  Its interesting as I write to observe this as a memory of how I felt at the time, with EFT it has become that, and looks a ludicrous sentence! The truth is I failed to kill myself doing a job I was not qualified or able to do.  Thats something I am happy to have failed at:)

On a carers forum I belong to I read that one woman felt guilty as a carer for buying a pot plant for herself.  I know she needs EFT!

Family members who were not here to physically help offered their judgements.  Neighbours and 'friends' offered their judgements.  Nursing home staff offered their 'judgements'.

Using EFT was the thing that helped me be true to myself and what was best for us both!  Still I react to the judgements I hear, just this week I read posts about children choosing safety over happiness for their elderly parents, which upset me alot.  I used this as an opportunity to clear some more negativity and anger about the way I have been treated as I made decisions for my families care.

Personally lately I realised I had taken on the role of carer so fully that now my role is over I still felt the need to fulfill it in other areas and its hard to readjust to the loss of the role and find my new role in life.  I intend to use EFT to challenge the beliefs I have formed through no fault of my own as for some time getting through the days was an acheivement at the end of my caregiving role.  

My role is not completely over but I am learning to delegate more and worry less!  

Gill 

Hi Kathleen & Gill ,

Thanks for the input as you have really created a fascinating discussion now.

I was unfortunate that I didn't know about EFT in my care role.

Unfortunately a lot of carers have no choice about thier role, or indeed finance ..I had no government assistance because I owned my own house !

Even though I lost my job caring.I worked as long as I could but with constant stress/worry.

I also think I didn't want to be excluded from society..its just the way it was ..24/7.. I didn't mind because this was the peson I loved.

For myself, my only concern rightly or wrongly was assisting my husband and I didn't even concsiously think about myself.

Gill, you have found a wonderful way of adapting your caring role by joining in these Forums...you have so much to offer and thank you for so much caring input.

Warmest wishes,

Marie

Hello Gill

You are absolutely correct here in what you say and I'm glad that EFT was available to you to help guide you through this decision making process, the after effects of those decisions and the transition of it all which is probably an ongoing transition at times. I hear you about others and their judgments that they feel the need to put off on people and how we so easily pick those judgments up and harbor them even when we know better but again, with the help and guidance of EFT, they can be a thing of the past or something that never truly clings to us which is an awesome state.

I hope you know that I was only trying to bring forth thoughts or feelings that came to me with regards to this issue and/or position that many of us face in life to help you or anyone else reading these posts find a place within that might need some attention [via EFT] to help acknowledge that it is in fact going on or could be something that is going on and then be able to allow it to surface and release so that our spirits don't have to maintain the self limiting, negative impact of these buried, hidden or carried around emotions and heavy thought.

I'm not in that place as of yet, having to care for a family member [parent] but i'm sure that my parents have it already figured out in their minds what they would like to have happen and i'm also pretty sure it's not the same thing that i'm thinking i would like to have happen so one day i will be faced with these very same decisions and judgments and thank goodness I too will have EFT at my fingertips to ward off any unwanted feelings that might try and attach themselves to me and my person.

Thank you for your insight here. Kathleen

Kathleen

You are wise to prepare yourself for this.  I know many families have the burden of guilt laid on them when their loved one tells them they don't want to go to a nursing home.  My mother said the same thing, but she had no insight into her condition, so it was a decision we had to make for her.

The transition from child to parent role is a hard one to cross.

Your comments did indeed invoke a response in me, added to the comments I had already bristled at on the support forum and I was able to clear it well.  Thank you!

I am delighted to tell you that I have gained permission and indeed, have been actively encouraged, to start a section for the teaching and education of how to use EFT in the caregiving role on the FTD(frontotemporal dementia) support forum I belong too which is the illness my mother died from.  I have always talked about how EFT has helped me and many people have expressed interest in learning more.

Best wishes

Hi Kathleen and Gill,

 Something that struck me on reading both your messages, is that I taught my mum EFT about 4 years ago when she was 81 years old.

Prior to this, mum was in a caretaking role at her tender young years of late seventies.early eighties.

She was barley aware of EFT then.

However, living on her own, coming through a mastectomy, mini stroke, following the loss of my stepfather ..she uses EFT constantly and mental imagery tapping.

I have found that she has more energy than she did..and whilst she doesn't always get success and has to call or visit the doctors she really does try to use EFT.

I think having been a Caregiver as mum has, it helps in all ways..and when mum is in her stages of passing over..or indeed I am..EFT is so empowering that perhaps the Caregiver will have an easier time because of the knowledge of EFT that is starting to spread,  in the latter stages of our lives.

Now there is a thought?!

Warmest wishes,

Marie

HI I am new here and new to EFT. I am facing this very issue. I have a 21 year old son who is deaf/blind & mute. He has a very rare form of dwarfism and is only about the size of a 4year old. He cannot speak but we are trying to develop a augmenative communication system. He will be aging out of the public education system this June and be home full after that.

The plan was that I would be his full time caregiver. He is small but still difficult to lift. I have previous injuries to my back that are aggravated by lifting him a lot. I knew it would mean we would probably not go out a lot but it seemd doable, because my husband would be home in the evenings to help and to relieve me.

Last week, he decided he didn't want that life. I am still hoping for reconcilliation but am finding myself becoming paniced and discouraged at the limitations of my situation. I also do not want my "mood" to be sensed by my son. He is so sweet and I do not want him to be anxious either.

 Any suggestions?

Hello,

I am so glad you have found EFT and found this Forum.

I am not surprised you have a feeling of panic with all these issues going on.

I cannot even begin to imagine how desperate you nust feel.

Can we help you with a daily plan and EFT that may possibly help you get through this terrible time ?

An idea would be to break down your issues/problems and find ways of working with EFT with them on a daily basis.

Sorry if this sounds too practical and  a bit hard but just trying to help you have something you can at least try with under these stressful circumstances.

Let us know if this is something you might want to do.....However a ' starting point ' maybe working with...

'even though I have all these problems and I don't know what to do, I feel panicky, helpless and hopeless...'

Tap on  the points' all these problems' This may soften the issues a little.

Maybe try ' even though I am on my own with this and this is making me panic, I know I have the love of my son and he of me ...'

Tap on points 'on my own ' I know this may bring out a surge of emotion but keep tapping with it ..if this feels too soon to cope with don't necessarily force it....

If it feels too much which it may well be at this stage...start by keeping your tapping phrases really general/global and not too specific till you feel more able.

Another phrase you can try is ' all these limitations '

Also try tapping and reading your own posting out aloud...see where it takes you.

Please get back to us ...none of this may feel right for you and only you will know that.

Warmest wishes,

Marie

Thank you so very much for your suggestions. They have already helped. The day after my husband left, I came down with flu symptoms, coughing and asthma. I am using EFT to try to help relieve the breathing issues which is helping. I am open to any suggestions. I am new to EFT and trying everything I read. I figure that it can't hurt even if I don't do things quite right. Thank you again for your guidance.

Hi there,

Reference the flu symptoms/asthma, go into Garys search engine on emofree site ..posted in this Forum and put in ' collar bone breathing ' or if you have Garys download look it up..whilst slightly out of the box for what the technique is recommended, I use it for any breathing problem and in fact used it with my partner last night with his flu symptoms and it settled his breathing.It seems a bit difficult to get to grips with sometimes but worth giving it a try for the benefits.

Perhaps try ' this stifled, can't breathe feeling , my husband has left, life is out of control, there is no one left to lok after me when I am ill and yet I have to look after everyone else...who cares for me...I give care as the Caregiver but who gives me care ? This is so frightening, I feel so alone with all of this...I am alone with all of this but through all of this I have my wonderful sweet son..he is so precious..'

You are right you can't really hurt yourself..its occasionally and very rare, when training we discuss an ' abreaction ' can infrequently happen because of uprooting deep issues.This is not to frighten you.

We recommend to keep tapping through any tearful incidents etc .

Warmest wishes,

Marie

Hi Connie,

My heart and prayers are also with you and your family for this new journey.

Louise Hay on Influenza (flu) "Response to mass negativity and beliefs. Fear. Belief in Statistics"  Seems possible that your flu response was generated from your husband's feelings and decision.

Recommended new thought patterns. "I am beyond group beliefs (not us hopefully :~)) or the calendar. I am free from all congestion and negative influence!" The second part, might be very beneficial as you do the Touch & Breath" exercises that Marie has suggested.

I wondered if you would care to share, how you have communicated with your son and how he communicated with you in the past? Has he always been blind and deaf?

My knowledge on dwarfism is very limited, so, I have done some research today on the net, for an overview. Is the form of dwarfism SEDC? That was the type connected to blindness & deafness. Most all dwarfs have a normal intelligence and live a normal life expectancy, many marry and have children. This is just an overview, I just wanted to share with the group

What are his strengths? How did he learn in school? What does he like to do?

The reason I ask, is our neighbor has a Down's Syndrome daughter, now 35 or 36. She, can't read, but she loves music and can hear two notes of a song (hundreds of them) can recite the name, performer and sing the lyrics. She is shy and quiet, but, got up on her own and sang at her father's funeral. Now, I do not know about anyone else, but, I have a hard time remembering a title, so, in my book she is extremely gifted. A gift which she loves.

Tell us about your son and his wonderful soft heart!

Hugs,

Sylvia

Co-moderator Carer/Caregiving Forum

 Hello Everyone. Sorry I wasn't able to reply sooner. Matthew had a grand mal seizure that caused compromised his breathing. We had to call the paramedics and ended up going to the hospital. He is doing better, but is still not up to par. To answer your questions, Matthew's form of dwarfism is probably a type of  Spondyloepiphyseal Dysplasia Congenita (SEDC) but he does not fit exactly into the criteria. Matthew cannot support weight on his joints and so he cannot walk. His spine and other joints are fusing and he suffers from arthritist like symptoms. He is deaf/blind and although has what is believed to be a high cognitive level- he is locked in. His health, lack of hearing and site combined with his physical limitations have hindered his abliltity to lean to communicate. I am currently creating an augmentative communication system of objects that represent different activities and choices that Matthew is learning to use. Right now it is more of me "telling him" what is going to happen, but eventually the hope is that he will be able to use this system to express his thoughts, desires and feelings. 

Matthew is a kind soul and although he experiences daily pain, he is always very willing to offer a smile. He has an infectious laugh that brightens the room and is so patient and forgiving. He amazes me. He likes to take apart clothes. Even with his very limited mobility and movement he scoots around the house quite quickly. We joke that we should find him a job to be a seam ripper. He like to "work" on clothes especially knitted garments or socks and take the seams apart or unravel each stitch of knitted items. Although he is deaf, he loves music. I play it often, very loud with a lot of bass. My other son plays drums and Matthew loves beating the bass drum with his feet.  

I am wanting to learn more about surrogate tapping. I've tried tapping on Mattie but he isn't very open to me tapping on him. He either gets irritated and pushes my hands away or he thinks I am starting a tickling game and starts laughing like crazy and then pushes my hands away. I am not sure I really understand exactly how surrogate tapping works or how you word it. Do you word the statements as if you were the person your tapping for ... "Even though I have seizures I ...." or do you do it more like "Even though you have seizures..."

I am also trying desperately trying to get a handle on my own grief, discouragement and fear of the future. I know Matthew is probably very sensitive to moods the spiritual level of those he is around and I can't help but think that what is going on could have contributed to his grand mal seizure (he hasn't had one in two years.) 

I had a dream last night that I believe was my subconscious trying to tell me that I am not handling this the best way. I just am not sure what the best way is and how to get the strength to do whatever it is I should do.

Thanks for your interest and support

Connie 

Hi Connie!

      Thank you for sharing Mattie with us, and your concerns.

      Maria (Co-Moderator of CarerForum) recommends tapping on picture of person, you are surrogating for, & I feel this would be idea in Mattie's case, of which then you can treat just like you would if you were tapping on him and address as, "Even though, you are having this breathing problem, you are a cool son/kid, and I/we completely love, accept & forgive myself/ourselves and anyone else involved and choose to breath easy!"  In saying "We" you are tapping for both of you! There are a couple of reasons, one you can do it anytime & two- there were some cautions originally about tapping on people who had a history of seizures, his tendency not to like it might be a natural reaction. I have never liked tapping the top of my head, turns out it isn't recommended for people who have high blood pressure.

     Wonderful kind loving tapping on his picture, solves any of the problems, you have addressed. It could even be used to address your concerns about whether you are handling this in the best way and assuring him of everyones love & understanding and all the feelings in your heart, that he is safe & will always be loved & safe in the future, no matter the path.

     Have you heard of the TappyBear? As you teach Mattie the new system, maybe you will be able to teach him how to Tap the Bear for his own feelings. Many adults use it including Dr. Carrington, so, this isn't a recommendation just because he is a "LittlePeople"

     I found this site in my research, if you are not aware of, it might be helpful! http://www.lpaonline.org/mc/page.do?sitePageId=37298&orgId=lpa It reminds me of a group for Down's Syndrome Families, that my oldest step-son and his family belong to in the Chicago area. The synergy of support, sharing, & love is just outstanding.

     Mat's pain can be addressed with EFT, again, using the method,above with his picture. Tap for pain in general, and then maybe, pick a specific joint and tap for the pain and fusion in the joint, being specific, rubbing your hand over the joint with intention. If you can free him of pain, he possibly will move freer, which then will loosen up his joints. If you need help with PR Statements just ask, OK?

     Connie, I have a hearing impairment, and recently received information on BAHA Direct Bone Conduction Implant, I am not sure if I am suitable or Mat, but here is the online connection www.Cochlear.com, they will send you information which included a DVD. It is minor surgery and usually done with a local anethesia. There is even a way to test, before it is done to see if the BAHA makes a viable difference. It has been very successful for people who are even born with atesia. I had lunch with a lady yesterday, who had an implant after having a tumor removed. She demonstrated to me how the attachment picked up the sound vibrations and I could feel them in my fingers holding it. If Mat can hear/feel music vibrations, maybe, it might be a miracle solution step. Syncronicity at work in our lives? The fact, I had lunch, had that feel and when I got home, I had your e-mail? The Implant is a titanium fixture that is placed in the skull bone behind the ear.

     A PR Statement just for you, "Even though, my subconcious seems to be telling me in my dreams, I may not be handling this the best way, I completely love, accept and forgive myself." Even though, and particularily if I am not, I am not sure what the best way is, or how I will get the strength to do what ever it is, I should do, I completely love, accept and forgive myself and choose to take this one step at a time, and have faith, I will be given not only the answers but also the strength to impliment them!"

Hugs and blessings,

Sylvia

Co-Moderator Carer/Caregivers

ckiddings:

 

I am also trying desperately trying to get a handle on my own grief, discouragement and fear of the future. I know Matthew is probably very sensitive to moods the spiritual level of those he is around and I can't help but think that what is going on could have contributed to his grand mal seizure (he hasn't had one in two years.) 

 

 Hi Connie,

How is Matthew and how are you coping ?

Our loving thoughts are with you all.

I think Sylvia has given you some wonderful information and enough to start with, and wanted to briefly add that I also agree  with your own view in quotes ..you are obviously very in touch with what's going on.

It may be god to tap surrogately something like..' Even though Matthew had this grand mal seizure and is so sensitive to all that is going on now..he knows and understands that his dad still loves him even though he's not around ...'  Maybe tap on points ' dad still loves him'

Quite often I state the phrase in the first person because our minds understand what/whom we are referring to when surrogate tapping.

Everyone has there own preferences with surrogate tapping....see whta feels right to you.

The Photo Technique is also good for yourself Connie..and it may be too soon for this...but in time or when you are ready..you can tap on a photo of your husband ( and indeed a photo with him and Mathew on )  and either tap on the photo or yourself with how you are feeling..I have used it myself and wih clients..it is very powerful.

Connie, we send you lots of healing strength to get you through this ordeal,

God bless,

Marie